bitter sweet

Tonight was my last night putting toddler to bed. Tomorrow will be my first morning with a preschooler. Toddler has always been my favorite stage. I'm not sure why. It might be the new found independence all while still needing Mommy for kisses, hugs, boo boos and all those other things I love doing. But, I said goodbye to toddler-hood for the last time today. While I'm excited to celebrate 3 years of my tiny girl, I'm sad. She's my last one. I'll never have another toddler again. That breaks my heart a little. It's times like this that I really question if a tubal ligation was the best choice. The other days, I remember why it is but, I'll miss these days. Sure, my friends will have babies, and there will be more babies in our family someday but, it's not the same. There's something so sweet about a baby fresh out of a tub, all powdered up and in a sleeper. It's perfection. God knew what he was doing when he made babies.

Anyway, back to my sweet birthday girl. I'm so blessed to be her Momma. Even the neediest of her days and the days she makes me want to rip my hair out. I am blessed because, she shouldn't be.

 Gavin was about 2 when I got abnormal pap results. My doctor sent me to an OBGYN who he thought would be the best doctor for the situation. So, my first visit ended up with a diagnosis of HPV and an appointment for a colposcopy. Here's a link if you'd like to read up on it: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Colposcopy
So, I underwent the procedure only to be told it could cause infertility and that because the colposcopy showed precancerous lesions, it was pretty much a definite. That's a scary reality for a 24 year old. At that point, I didn't really care. I was content with having 1 child and I wasn't in the position to consider having another baby at that point. Fast forward a few years. I thought I was pregnant after my husband and I were married and really excited. Then, I had the worst period of my life. I cried. We kept trying and I kept getting my period. I told him we were done trying, I couldn't take the let down of not being pregnant again. I made that call a couple weeks before Mother's Day 2009. My Mimi was in the hospital and life was a giant stress ball. We both decided it was the best thing. Right after Mother's Day, my beloved Mimi passed away. I was heartbroken. Right after July 4th, I started feeling horrible. My mom suggested a pregnancy test ( I was nauseous none stop). I took one. Then another one. I was pregnant! Against all medical odds, it had happened!!! I like to think it was my Mimi's last gift to me.  I was so excited. Then, morning sickness kicked in. I thought Gavin was bad. She was 10x worse. I wanted to die. The smell of food made me sick, nothing stayed down. 2 phone calls to my OBGYN  and down 10lbs, they put me on Zofran. That stuff is a God send. She was a rough pregnancy. I think I was sick 8 out 9 months. If I didn't take Zofran within 2 minutes of waking up, I was done. I wouldn't wish that on anyone. She arrived February 13,2010 via c-section after 48 hours of pretty solid contractions. She had this head of jet black crazy hair and she was every bit as beautiful as I imagined she'd be. She looked like a tiny little doll.

3 years later, I'm still love her every bit as much and more. She is our tiny little miracle. Happy 3rd Birthday, Teagan Irene!