bitter sweet

Tonight was my last night putting toddler to bed. Tomorrow will be my first morning with a preschooler. Toddler has always been my favorite stage. I'm not sure why. It might be the new found independence all while still needing Mommy for kisses, hugs, boo boos and all those other things I love doing. But, I said goodbye to toddler-hood for the last time today. While I'm excited to celebrate 3 years of my tiny girl, I'm sad. She's my last one. I'll never have another toddler again. That breaks my heart a little. It's times like this that I really question if a tubal ligation was the best choice. The other days, I remember why it is but, I'll miss these days. Sure, my friends will have babies, and there will be more babies in our family someday but, it's not the same. There's something so sweet about a baby fresh out of a tub, all powdered up and in a sleeper. It's perfection. God knew what he was doing when he made babies.

Anyway, back to my sweet birthday girl. I'm so blessed to be her Momma. Even the neediest of her days and the days she makes me want to rip my hair out. I am blessed because, she shouldn't be.

 Gavin was about 2 when I got abnormal pap results. My doctor sent me to an OBGYN who he thought would be the best doctor for the situation. So, my first visit ended up with a diagnosis of HPV and an appointment for a colposcopy. Here's a link if you'd like to read up on it: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Colposcopy
So, I underwent the procedure only to be told it could cause infertility and that because the colposcopy showed precancerous lesions, it was pretty much a definite. That's a scary reality for a 24 year old. At that point, I didn't really care. I was content with having 1 child and I wasn't in the position to consider having another baby at that point. Fast forward a few years. I thought I was pregnant after my husband and I were married and really excited. Then, I had the worst period of my life. I cried. We kept trying and I kept getting my period. I told him we were done trying, I couldn't take the let down of not being pregnant again. I made that call a couple weeks before Mother's Day 2009. My Mimi was in the hospital and life was a giant stress ball. We both decided it was the best thing. Right after Mother's Day, my beloved Mimi passed away. I was heartbroken. Right after July 4th, I started feeling horrible. My mom suggested a pregnancy test ( I was nauseous none stop). I took one. Then another one. I was pregnant! Against all medical odds, it had happened!!! I like to think it was my Mimi's last gift to me.  I was so excited. Then, morning sickness kicked in. I thought Gavin was bad. She was 10x worse. I wanted to die. The smell of food made me sick, nothing stayed down. 2 phone calls to my OBGYN  and down 10lbs, they put me on Zofran. That stuff is a God send. She was a rough pregnancy. I think I was sick 8 out 9 months. If I didn't take Zofran within 2 minutes of waking up, I was done. I wouldn't wish that on anyone. She arrived February 13,2010 via c-section after 48 hours of pretty solid contractions. She had this head of jet black crazy hair and she was every bit as beautiful as I imagined she'd be. She looked like a tiny little doll.

3 years later, I'm still love her every bit as much and more. She is our tiny little miracle. Happy 3rd Birthday, Teagan Irene!

Everyone is beautiful

Everyone is beautiful. We were fearfully and wonderfully made. Our bodies all tell a story. My story? Genetics weren't overly kind in the height department. I've got a nose that my father got from his father, who got it from his father. All because of a bone infection. How is that possible? I don't know but, it's mine and I'm proud of it. I've got my mother's feet, my father's thick hair, my grandmother's knees and my father's disposition (get mad quick, get over it quicker) but, I can hold a grudge like my grandmother (not a proud moment). There are a few things I wish I could change (my momma belly makes me self conscious). But, I must remember, God gave me this body. It's mine. I might look like my sisters but, I'm still one of a kind. I was made this way for a purpose. I should love what I have been given. I was given it with a purpose. I should remember that, if I believe my children are beautiful (and, I do), I must remember that by default, I am beautiful because, they are 1/2 mine in genetics and all mine in looks.

Everyone is beautiful, it's our actions and the way we treat each other that make us ugly. Every time we judge someone, call them fat, stupid, and any slew of horrible labels and names we come up with, we not only devalue them, we devalue our selves and we make our selves ugly. Mean isn't beautiful. Hatred is an ugly, ugly thing.

I vow to be more beautiful. Not in looks, but in my actions. I vow to be kinder, friendlier, more approachable. Who knows who I'm pushing away when I'm not. I can chose to cut people out of my life but, I can do it with kindness. Just because I no longer enjoy their company or their behaviors, doesn't mean they don't deserve to be treated kindly. It's okay to outgrow a friendship but, I think there are kinder ways to go about it. At some point, their friendship was what I needed, they still deserve an exit of dignity.

The way I chose to treat people speaks volumes about my character, not the person I'm describing at that particular moment.

The wild woman

Teagan is the wild woman. Gavin explored the world with caution. Not her. She dumps buckets over and uses the as step stools to climb for the things just out of her reach. When they topple over, she inevitably gets hurt. She, like her mother is a clumsy little thing. She'll cry, come running but, once those tears dry, she's right back at it. We've had black eyes, bloody mouths, bruises galore. It doesn't slow her down. She has a great big world to explore. She throws caution to the wind. I'm waiting for the big boom that results in (a) broken bone(s), and stitches. She makes me nervous and keeps me on my toes. I never know what kind of calamity will befall her in a day. There are days I dread waking up. Not because I don't love her but, because the thought of what injuries and bodily harm lie in wait for me.

She's a breath of fresh air though. She charges through life with self confidence and without fear. The world is her oyster. I couldn't love that girl more. My wild, wild "woman".

Misconceptions

Today, I saw a friend had posted a "funny" on their wall about ADHD. I'll post it for you and then react to it.

There are misconceptions about ADHD. The first one is that it's just a behavioral issue than can be "fixed" by discipline. I can't begin to tell you how untrue that is. My son was diagnosed with ADHD last April. He's disciplined on a regular basis. He's the kind of kid that doesn't need to be spanked. He sensitive enough that generally a firm talking to or losing privileges gets the message across just fine. I'm not against spanking, if it works. It needs to be considered on an individual basis. It doesn't work for every child. I can tell you with all certainty, ADHD will not be cured by "an ass whoopin". 

The second misconception is that every parent is in a hurry to "drug" their child to make their lives easier. This is not the case. I'm not against medicating a child, if it works. My son was put on a non-stimulant last year. Things went great for about a month. His symptoms had subsided. I was amazed by the change. Until my child became something that wasn't him. He had horrible, violent fits. He hit, screamed, punched, kicked. He reacted to little things in an explosive violent  manner. It was devastating. It broke my heart. We went back to the doctor's. We decided medication was not giving us desired results. Stimulant's were out of the question. We started a vitamin regiment.  It consists of Omega's 3,6 & 9, Zinc, Magnesium and Vitamin D. It's working great. He still struggles but, thankfully his IEP support team is amazing. I love his teacher's, principal, and resource aids. They've done wonders for him. It's so good for him. Plus, there's no horrible side effects. 

I know there are educators that push for medication. It doesn't have to be done. I think parent's are often pushed into positions they don't really want to be in. I think the most effective tool we can give our children is the ability to deal with their disorder. God made them special, he gave us the load to carry because, he knew we could. Who am I to pass the buck to someone else?  My child will grow up understanding his strengths and weaknesses and know how to cope with his disorder. Would he learn that if he were "drugged"? Absolutely not. I'm proud of him, I watch him struggle but, I get to see his face light up when "he gets it". It's a fantastic thing. He was fearfully and wonderfully made. I thank God for him everyday. He brings such joy to everyone. He's just a likable kid. You can't help it. His vibrant personality just sucks you in. 

So, please, before you judge my child or any child & parent coping with ADHD, don't assume it's all because they don't get an "ass whooping" or that it would fix it. If you don't have a child with a disorder or disability, you don't know. 

A little treasure

While I was on Pintrest the other day ( I admit, I'm an addict), I stumbled across something that screamed "Gavin & Mommy". It warmed my heart. I swear, it had to be written by a mother of a child with ADHD. Here's what I found:

Author: Maryann K Cusimano

I am your parent you are my child
I am your quiet place, you are my wild
I am your calm face, you are my giggle
I am your wait, you are my wiggle
I am your audience, you are my clown
I am your London Bridge, you are my falling down
I am your Carrot Sticks, you are my licorice
I am your dandelion, you are my first wish
I am your water wings, you are my deep
I am your open arms, you are my running leap
I am your way home, you are my new path
I am your dry towel, you are my wet bath
I am your dinner you are my chocolate cake
I am your bedtime, you are my wide awake
I am your finish line, you are my race
I am your praying hands, you are my saving grace
I am your favourite book, you are my new lines
I am your nightlight, you are my sunshine
I am your lullaby, you are my peek-a-boo
I am your kiss goodnight, you are my I love you

Me time

Today was trying. It wasn't anything big. It was a bunch of little things, all complied they made one big thing. I hate days like today. I struggle with my temper, I say and do things that aren't the most flattering for my character and then I feel like a giant jerk after. Maybe it's the stress of a household income being cut almost in 1/2, maybe it's a sick kid or the kid that's getting taken off the nap time schedule, maybe it's the weather. Maybe, it's all of it. Whatever it is, I wish it would all go away.

I'm looking forward to my silver lining this week. Dinner with the girls. I haven't gotten time to myself in ages.  I know that really doesn't count as time to myself but, it will be at least an hour of time to feel human. I actually get to eat my dinner at a normal time. While it's still warm. Nobody will need me to cut their food or ask for a drink right after I sit down. It'll be nice to be waited on. This should not be taken as me complaining about my children, I'm thankful for every minute I hear their sweet voices. I just need what every mom needs- a break. If they tell you they don't need a break, they're lying. Big time. Sometimes, a mom just needs time with friends to remember she had her own separate identity long before she was Mommy.  It'll be nice to be reminded of all the funny things we did together. To talk about the stupid things we did and how we all survived whatever life handed us. Come to think of it, I've got some pretty phenomenal women in my life. I'm so thankful for them. I think God knew I needed all of them. Even the ones that drive me nuts. I need them too.

The super bowl

The Super Bowl. Traditionally, football is a man's sport. I grew up loving the game. My father is a die hard Steelers fan. By either genetics or exposure, so are 3 out of 4 of his girls. We bleed black and gold. My own sweet babies root for the Steelers right along with us. My Grandfather lives in Beaver, PA (A small township  outside of Pittsburgh). We can't help but love them. It appeals to the blue collar worker in all of us. Anyway, the point of this entry is not to love on "My Boys".

  I have serious beef with the companies that insist of creating sexist, overly sexy commercials. I'm not the first parent to complain. A lot of my parent friends did. These commercials were inappropriate for a time that children would be awake watching the game with their parents. I'm tired of GoDaddy commercials and beer commercials that objectify women. I'm tired of half time shows with scantily clad women parading on stage in nothing more than lingerie  What message are we sending to our children and our daughters? Is it really okay once a year to treat women as nothing more than sex objects? Can't they come up with commercials that are appropriate and witty? Take Jeep & Dodge, both fantastic commercials saluting our troops and giving credit to our farmers! Budweiser's commercial was a tearjerker. None of them objectified women or were disgustingly inappropriate. Why not play those commercials in the 1st half? It's not that difficult.

A month...

A month. That's how long my heart will be in my throat. It's how long I'll live in limbo. It's how long I will wait for another blood test to be done on my "baby". I wasn't sure it bothered me until last night when I googled what a "low white blood cell count" meant. The results of inquiry were heart stopping. I should have waited until the 2nd blood test results came back. Now, I know what it could mean and I don't like it. It's freaking me out. We've prayed for him, we've got some serious prayer warriors on his side. That lightens my heart a little but, I put it in God's hand. The waiting is the absolute worst. Part of me hopes for something that will give us answers for the "why's". The other part of my wants my precious "baby" to be fine. It's been a long 8 years of sickness with no answers. I just want to know why. There has to be a reason. Something is causing this, what is it? Is it serious? Is it easily treatable? What will the results mean? What will become of the results? Will it mean another 8 years of no answers? Will this be an ongoing fight? Will someone finally see that we need to get to the bottom of whatever the cause is? Will he ever be healthy? SOME ONE TELL ME!!!!! So, I live with my heart in my throat and hope and pray. It's all I can do. Hug your healthy kids. Be grateful that they are. Someone, some where, is worried sick about their child. I am a someone.