Cold weather, a time change & and a day off...

It's November 4th already. My favorite holiday is in three weeks. I'm getting the familiar must-put-up-Christmas-tree itch. Brace yourselves for holiday madness kids. I'm so, so ready for it. We started a Scooter countdown. 25 days until his arrival. I'm hoping my Grandma is proud of the shenanigan's we created with him. Our other major countdown says 44 days until my family is all back in NY. So very ready for that!!

Anyway, the chill of November has arrived in Upstate NY. We broke out the winter coats, hat & mittens this morning for the trek to the bus stop. I hate waiting for this bus to arrive with my kiddo this time of year. I dread going out for the bus but, the school district will not allow him to walk home alone even though I can see him from our front yard. Bummer. That time will come soon enough & I'm not ready for it. That will mean another 5 years of waiting for a bus to arrive & depart. The small child in my house will start kindergarten and that freaks me out. They grow too quickly.

The time change back an hour is totally messing with all of us this year. Even gaining an hour of sleep, it still feels like we haven't gotten enough. Normally falling back is a glorious event. Not this year. It's throwing off the mini girl horribly. Plus side to that, she's taking naps again and it isn't throwing off her bed time. HOORAY!

Tomorrow is another day off of school. Gav is going to help me with the littles "school". We do projects every day, practice colors, counting, ABC'S, do work sheets and all sorts of fun stuff. He's looking forward to being a "teacher" tomorrow and I'm loving the fact that there will be an extra set of hands. I'll even make an extra project for him to do. It'll be a fun day. Play-doh, baking cookies, board games, movies, hot cocoa. I love days off as much as he does.

I'll post some pictures of our wee shenanigan's. Happy Monday world!

Happy Halloween?!?!

It's October 31st. Already. How did that happen? I feel like we just waltzed our way through the last 10 months. I'd prefer the slow sauntering through the seasons of my childhood. Time marches on and waits for no man (or woman) though.  It's hard to believe that in 60 days we'll be celebrating the year that was and welcoming in 2014.

Here's some of my favorite fall moments with my littles. I love celebrating each holiday with them. It helps me remember how much I loved them as a child. The wonder of a child is truly an amazing thing.

 Trick or Treat Street with Bumble Bee & Strawberry Shortcake

 Autbots & Rainbow Dash (both kids had help)

Pumpkin picking @ Sunnyside gardens

We'll be getting ready to head to Gav's school soon  for the Halloween parade. I'll be accompanied by a sweet unicorn & bringing Captain America as our security detail. There will be pictures! We'll post some more later once the littles have passed out into their inevitable sugar coma.  Good thing this only happens once a year!

It's October already?!?!?

I can't believe we're 8 days away from Halloween. How the crap did that happen? This summer was a blur. A family reunion for the 4th of July, Aunt Ali left for her new home in Virginia, a 9th birthday, Oma & Poppa left for their yr long mission trip in West Virginia ( we survived both sets of departures), Oma & Ali came home in August for a visit, lazy days at the lake, sunshine was soaked up, a trip to Great Escape. We enjoyed every second of bliss that accompanies summer. School started (3rd grade!) and he's been doing AWESOME! I keep getting awesome phone calls from the teacher & principal. He's made huge progress. I know now we made the right choice to change schools. He needed AES. I'm beyond proud of  my little guy!

Oma (& Poppa-best surprise ever) came home the 11th for a visit. This will be their last visit until Christmas. They'll be home in exactly 57 days (not that anybody is counting). Having them leave again was tough, we love when they're home. Gavin is being a storm trooper for Halloween, Teagan has decided (for the 3rd time) to be a unicorn. Pictures will come later. We'll be going pumpkin picking with Nana & Grandpa at our favorite place this weekend & going to trick or treat street at the high school. It'll be a fun but busy weekend. I'm looking forward to it.

Back to the costume changes. Originally, she was going to be a cupcake, she decided she hated it. I let her pick another one knowing we could sell the other one easily. She decided on Strawberry shortcake. Given the flimsy nature of the costume & the weather forecast for the next week, I made the executive to change back to her original desire to be a unicorn. The one we found in September was too small, we found a bigger one for $5 the other day. We're all done switching. I swear. Pictures will be added later!

I promise to keep at this one & to post more often.

Jelly Bean Field Day

Today, is June 7, 2013. I'm pretty sure this will be Gavin's most favorite school day ever. It's Jelly Bean Field Day. Just the name sounds fun. Jelly Bean Field Day is a day held every first friday in June at AES. AES is my beloved Elementary school. Jelly Bean Field Day was always my favorite day in school. We looked forward to it ALL year. It's a day filled with a bunch of different games and activities the kids play. For each game/activity they complete, they get a certain amount of jelly beans at a jelly bean station. The kids run around, get all sweaty and then, just when they can eat no more, they break for a picnic lunch with their classmates. It's the stuff childhood is made of. It's rainy and blah today so, the fun was moved inside. The littles would have been overwhelmed & cranky. Maybe next year. I can't wait to hear all about his day. I hope he loves it every bit as much as I did.

fad or legit?

I was watching Dr.Oz the other day & he had an interesting segment on "Paleo". I'd heard of it before and noticed a lot of my "friends" on pintrest were re-pinning "Paleo" recipes and info. I started looking into it. If it does what everyone is saying, my body will feel amazing and my kiddo will feel better. The great question is, "is it a fad or, is it legit?" I guess we're about to be the suckers that find out. I've heard it helps with arthritis, celiac, lupus and other auto-immune issues. I've been doing some more ADHD research, and have come across several professionals that thing ADHD is a link to auto-immune & gastro issues. If this is the case, and eating Paleo works, I'm ready! We shall see & keep you posted on our findings!

17...

If you could go back and tell your 17 year old self something, what would it be?

Mine:
 You're a senior. It'll be a tough year, you'll graduate in June and leave the safety of home in August. Avoid that boy. You can do better. You'll go home, you'll be sad but don't shut down or shut people out. Just because you didn't graduate Caz doesn't mean you failed. There's a reason you weren't meant to be there. Be grateful for the girls you met there but, don't feel bad if you don't stay in touch. 

Your life plan will not work out but, it's okay, there are better things in store for you. Your dreams were big but, God's plan was bigger. Embrace it. That guy you think is a creeper will turn out to be your best friend and the love of your life. It'll take a while but, you'll marry him someday. 

You'll get pregnant. You will be terrified of telling Mom & Dad. Just breathe, they love you and, they know. You'll do the right thing even when you're being told not to. You're brave. You're loved. That baby will be the best thing that ever happened to you. He will save your life and he will be perfect. He will be so very loved. He will make life better. 

You'll have a daughter someday. She will march to the beat of her own drum. She will try your patience. Love her! Someday, she will be just as scared & insecure. Tell her she's beautiful, every day. Make sure she knows it. Set her standards for her prince charming and set them high. 

You'll have women in your life that will be your sanity when you have none and that will be there through the worst of things. You'll be surprised who they end up being. Count yourself blessed. Because, you are. 

For Teagan

A while ago, I posted a poem that I had found on Pintrest that was my entire relationship with my son. I hadn't forgotten about my daughter, I just hadn't found something that felt like it was meant for her.  This one tends to be more for Teagan & her Daddy. Makes me cry every time I hear it. So, here it is:

My Little Girl : Tim McGraw

Gotta hold on easy as I let you goGonna tell you how much I love youThough you think you already know
I remember I thought you looked like an angelWrapped in pink, so soft and warmYou've had me wrapped around your fingerSince the day you were born
You beautiful baby from the outside inChase your dreams but always know the roadThat'll lead you home againGo on, take on this whole worldBut to me you know you'll always be, my little girl
When you were in trouble that crooked little smileCould melt my heart of stoneNow look at you, I've turned aroundAnd you've almost grown
Sometimes you're asleep I whisper 'I love you'In the moonlight at your doorAs I walk away, I hear you say"Daddy, love you more"
You beautiful baby from the outside inChase your dreams but always know the roadThat'll lead you home againGo on, take on this whole worldBut to me you know you'll always be, my little girl
Someday, some boy will comeAnd ask me for your handBut I won't say yes to him unless I knowHe's the half that makes you whole
He has a poet's soul, and the heart of a man's manI know he'll say that he's in loveBut between you and meHe won't be good enough
You beautiful baby from the outside inChase your dreams but always know the roadThat'll lead you home againGo on, take on this whole worldBut to me you know you'll always be, my little girl

Read more: TIM MCGRAW - MY LITTLE GIRL LYRICS 

A Time Out

This weekend, we were blessed with a fantastic overnight in NYC. I owe my sister BIG for making our stay possible (THANK YOU!!!!). We left early Saturday morning and made it to the city by 10, checked into the Hilton and went off the explore the city. We had tickets to The Phantom of the Opera- it was FANTASTIC. If you ever have a chance to see a Broadway show, make it POTO. I promise, you won't be disappointed. After our 2pm show, we headed back to our room to get all fancied up for a dinner date at Mesa Grill. Seriously, a dinner at Bobby Flay's restaurant. It was Heaven on Earth. I've never been full without feeling gross before, Bobby made it possible. I highly recommend it. We went back to our hotel after to change and do some more exploring. My legs are KILLING me. It was worth every achy bone in my leg. We got a quick bite at Starbucks's this AM before heading out. I feel refreshed and loved getting some downtime with the hubs. It was exactly what we both needed. It's nice to do something and not feel guilty about it.

We stopped at Ikea (Oh.Dear.Lord) on our way home and ended up getting lost in New Jersey. I have to say, while I loved exploring Ikea, Elizabeth, NJ is probably one of the smelliest places I have ever been. Jersey is just kind of gross. No offense to any of you who might be from there. It's funny, even with the stress of getting lost (no thanks to you Insignia GPS), we still had a good time. We laughed about it. Normally, that would have caused us to flip out and yell. It's fantastic what checking out and giving yourself an adult time out can do. I recommend doing that too. Sometimes, you just need to remember who you are as people and a couple. Make the time for each other, it's always worth it.

Anyway, while we were gone, my amazing sister tackled the job of a 3 yr old & an 8 yr old. Gavin had two birthday parties this weekend and seems to have had a great time at both (yay). Teagan, well she may have given her Aunt a hard time. Silly girl. I have to say, I'm impressed with my sister. She woke up at 4:30 this AM with the said small girl and still managed to do an art project with them, take them out to lunch and out to play in the gorgeous weather today. Rock.Star. I came home to a great surprise. 

Gavin's above, Teagan's below

These will both be displayed proudly in our home. I love them! The hubs thinks they're just as cool as I do. It helps when you love the artists too! We're blessed to have such wildly creative and imaginative kids.

bloodwork

Gavin had blood work done again yesterday (the 3rd time in less than 6 months). Finally, after pleading for what feels like forever, his doctor agreed to test for Celiac Disease. He's also testing this Thyroid, magnesium levels (again) and doing a complete blood count. I'm praying *SOMETHING* shows up that will explain years of illness. While I hope it's an "easy" fix, I'm just want answers. Something needs to show up. If not, we'll keep fighting for answers. There's an explanation to why he gets so sick, why he's so skinny and I am determined to find out what it is. We should know by the end of the week, I'll keep you posted.

Progress

Gavin started off the school year a little shaky. When we pulled him out of his private school, his reading and math skills were poor at best. I'm not sure if it was a lack of confidence or if he just wasn't getting what he needed. At any rate, sad as we were, it wasn't a good fit for him. He entered his new school ( the very one I grew up in and loved so much) behind. I expected progress to be slow. I had a parent/teacher conference  Thursday afternoon. I wasn't expecting overly great news. What I got was, FANTASTIC news. I was told by his classroom teacher and reading room instructor that, they couldn't really justify another year of remedial reading (he's just barely missing 2nd grade reading level) or math aide. I'm thrilled. It's amazing how far he's come this year. I know how hard he's worked and how far he's come. This is all him. He's worked his but off and his hard work paid off. They'll continue to work with him for the rest of the year (due to his IEP plan)  but are confident that his IEP goals for next year will be strictly behavioral (not to say he has issues but, he'll get help learning to modify his body and controlling those impulsive issues). THANK GOD!!!

bitter sweet

Tonight was my last night putting toddler to bed. Tomorrow will be my first morning with a preschooler. Toddler has always been my favorite stage. I'm not sure why. It might be the new found independence all while still needing Mommy for kisses, hugs, boo boos and all those other things I love doing. But, I said goodbye to toddler-hood for the last time today. While I'm excited to celebrate 3 years of my tiny girl, I'm sad. She's my last one. I'll never have another toddler again. That breaks my heart a little. It's times like this that I really question if a tubal ligation was the best choice. The other days, I remember why it is but, I'll miss these days. Sure, my friends will have babies, and there will be more babies in our family someday but, it's not the same. There's something so sweet about a baby fresh out of a tub, all powdered up and in a sleeper. It's perfection. God knew what he was doing when he made babies.

Anyway, back to my sweet birthday girl. I'm so blessed to be her Momma. Even the neediest of her days and the days she makes me want to rip my hair out. I am blessed because, she shouldn't be.

 Gavin was about 2 when I got abnormal pap results. My doctor sent me to an OBGYN who he thought would be the best doctor for the situation. So, my first visit ended up with a diagnosis of HPV and an appointment for a colposcopy. Here's a link if you'd like to read up on it: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Colposcopy
So, I underwent the procedure only to be told it could cause infertility and that because the colposcopy showed precancerous lesions, it was pretty much a definite. That's a scary reality for a 24 year old. At that point, I didn't really care. I was content with having 1 child and I wasn't in the position to consider having another baby at that point. Fast forward a few years. I thought I was pregnant after my husband and I were married and really excited. Then, I had the worst period of my life. I cried. We kept trying and I kept getting my period. I told him we were done trying, I couldn't take the let down of not being pregnant again. I made that call a couple weeks before Mother's Day 2009. My Mimi was in the hospital and life was a giant stress ball. We both decided it was the best thing. Right after Mother's Day, my beloved Mimi passed away. I was heartbroken. Right after July 4th, I started feeling horrible. My mom suggested a pregnancy test ( I was nauseous none stop). I took one. Then another one. I was pregnant! Against all medical odds, it had happened!!! I like to think it was my Mimi's last gift to me.  I was so excited. Then, morning sickness kicked in. I thought Gavin was bad. She was 10x worse. I wanted to die. The smell of food made me sick, nothing stayed down. 2 phone calls to my OBGYN  and down 10lbs, they put me on Zofran. That stuff is a God send. She was a rough pregnancy. I think I was sick 8 out 9 months. If I didn't take Zofran within 2 minutes of waking up, I was done. I wouldn't wish that on anyone. She arrived February 13,2010 via c-section after 48 hours of pretty solid contractions. She had this head of jet black crazy hair and she was every bit as beautiful as I imagined she'd be. She looked like a tiny little doll.

3 years later, I'm still love her every bit as much and more. She is our tiny little miracle. Happy 3rd Birthday, Teagan Irene!

Everyone is beautiful

Everyone is beautiful. We were fearfully and wonderfully made. Our bodies all tell a story. My story? Genetics weren't overly kind in the height department. I've got a nose that my father got from his father, who got it from his father. All because of a bone infection. How is that possible? I don't know but, it's mine and I'm proud of it. I've got my mother's feet, my father's thick hair, my grandmother's knees and my father's disposition (get mad quick, get over it quicker) but, I can hold a grudge like my grandmother (not a proud moment). There are a few things I wish I could change (my momma belly makes me self conscious). But, I must remember, God gave me this body. It's mine. I might look like my sisters but, I'm still one of a kind. I was made this way for a purpose. I should love what I have been given. I was given it with a purpose. I should remember that, if I believe my children are beautiful (and, I do), I must remember that by default, I am beautiful because, they are 1/2 mine in genetics and all mine in looks.

Everyone is beautiful, it's our actions and the way we treat each other that make us ugly. Every time we judge someone, call them fat, stupid, and any slew of horrible labels and names we come up with, we not only devalue them, we devalue our selves and we make our selves ugly. Mean isn't beautiful. Hatred is an ugly, ugly thing.

I vow to be more beautiful. Not in looks, but in my actions. I vow to be kinder, friendlier, more approachable. Who knows who I'm pushing away when I'm not. I can chose to cut people out of my life but, I can do it with kindness. Just because I no longer enjoy their company or their behaviors, doesn't mean they don't deserve to be treated kindly. It's okay to outgrow a friendship but, I think there are kinder ways to go about it. At some point, their friendship was what I needed, they still deserve an exit of dignity.

The way I chose to treat people speaks volumes about my character, not the person I'm describing at that particular moment.

The wild woman

Teagan is the wild woman. Gavin explored the world with caution. Not her. She dumps buckets over and uses the as step stools to climb for the things just out of her reach. When they topple over, she inevitably gets hurt. She, like her mother is a clumsy little thing. She'll cry, come running but, once those tears dry, she's right back at it. We've had black eyes, bloody mouths, bruises galore. It doesn't slow her down. She has a great big world to explore. She throws caution to the wind. I'm waiting for the big boom that results in (a) broken bone(s), and stitches. She makes me nervous and keeps me on my toes. I never know what kind of calamity will befall her in a day. There are days I dread waking up. Not because I don't love her but, because the thought of what injuries and bodily harm lie in wait for me.

She's a breath of fresh air though. She charges through life with self confidence and without fear. The world is her oyster. I couldn't love that girl more. My wild, wild "woman".

Misconceptions

Today, I saw a friend had posted a "funny" on their wall about ADHD. I'll post it for you and then react to it.

There are misconceptions about ADHD. The first one is that it's just a behavioral issue than can be "fixed" by discipline. I can't begin to tell you how untrue that is. My son was diagnosed with ADHD last April. He's disciplined on a regular basis. He's the kind of kid that doesn't need to be spanked. He sensitive enough that generally a firm talking to or losing privileges gets the message across just fine. I'm not against spanking, if it works. It needs to be considered on an individual basis. It doesn't work for every child. I can tell you with all certainty, ADHD will not be cured by "an ass whoopin". 

The second misconception is that every parent is in a hurry to "drug" their child to make their lives easier. This is not the case. I'm not against medicating a child, if it works. My son was put on a non-stimulant last year. Things went great for about a month. His symptoms had subsided. I was amazed by the change. Until my child became something that wasn't him. He had horrible, violent fits. He hit, screamed, punched, kicked. He reacted to little things in an explosive violent  manner. It was devastating. It broke my heart. We went back to the doctor's. We decided medication was not giving us desired results. Stimulant's were out of the question. We started a vitamin regiment.  It consists of Omega's 3,6 & 9, Zinc, Magnesium and Vitamin D. It's working great. He still struggles but, thankfully his IEP support team is amazing. I love his teacher's, principal, and resource aids. They've done wonders for him. It's so good for him. Plus, there's no horrible side effects. 

I know there are educators that push for medication. It doesn't have to be done. I think parent's are often pushed into positions they don't really want to be in. I think the most effective tool we can give our children is the ability to deal with their disorder. God made them special, he gave us the load to carry because, he knew we could. Who am I to pass the buck to someone else?  My child will grow up understanding his strengths and weaknesses and know how to cope with his disorder. Would he learn that if he were "drugged"? Absolutely not. I'm proud of him, I watch him struggle but, I get to see his face light up when "he gets it". It's a fantastic thing. He was fearfully and wonderfully made. I thank God for him everyday. He brings such joy to everyone. He's just a likable kid. You can't help it. His vibrant personality just sucks you in. 

So, please, before you judge my child or any child & parent coping with ADHD, don't assume it's all because they don't get an "ass whooping" or that it would fix it. If you don't have a child with a disorder or disability, you don't know. 

A little treasure

While I was on Pintrest the other day ( I admit, I'm an addict), I stumbled across something that screamed "Gavin & Mommy". It warmed my heart. I swear, it had to be written by a mother of a child with ADHD. Here's what I found:

Author: Maryann K Cusimano

I am your parent you are my child
I am your quiet place, you are my wild
I am your calm face, you are my giggle
I am your wait, you are my wiggle
I am your audience, you are my clown
I am your London Bridge, you are my falling down
I am your Carrot Sticks, you are my licorice
I am your dandelion, you are my first wish
I am your water wings, you are my deep
I am your open arms, you are my running leap
I am your way home, you are my new path
I am your dry towel, you are my wet bath
I am your dinner you are my chocolate cake
I am your bedtime, you are my wide awake
I am your finish line, you are my race
I am your praying hands, you are my saving grace
I am your favourite book, you are my new lines
I am your nightlight, you are my sunshine
I am your lullaby, you are my peek-a-boo
I am your kiss goodnight, you are my I love you

Me time

Today was trying. It wasn't anything big. It was a bunch of little things, all complied they made one big thing. I hate days like today. I struggle with my temper, I say and do things that aren't the most flattering for my character and then I feel like a giant jerk after. Maybe it's the stress of a household income being cut almost in 1/2, maybe it's a sick kid or the kid that's getting taken off the nap time schedule, maybe it's the weather. Maybe, it's all of it. Whatever it is, I wish it would all go away.

I'm looking forward to my silver lining this week. Dinner with the girls. I haven't gotten time to myself in ages.  I know that really doesn't count as time to myself but, it will be at least an hour of time to feel human. I actually get to eat my dinner at a normal time. While it's still warm. Nobody will need me to cut their food or ask for a drink right after I sit down. It'll be nice to be waited on. This should not be taken as me complaining about my children, I'm thankful for every minute I hear their sweet voices. I just need what every mom needs- a break. If they tell you they don't need a break, they're lying. Big time. Sometimes, a mom just needs time with friends to remember she had her own separate identity long before she was Mommy.  It'll be nice to be reminded of all the funny things we did together. To talk about the stupid things we did and how we all survived whatever life handed us. Come to think of it, I've got some pretty phenomenal women in my life. I'm so thankful for them. I think God knew I needed all of them. Even the ones that drive me nuts. I need them too.

The super bowl

The Super Bowl. Traditionally, football is a man's sport. I grew up loving the game. My father is a die hard Steelers fan. By either genetics or exposure, so are 3 out of 4 of his girls. We bleed black and gold. My own sweet babies root for the Steelers right along with us. My Grandfather lives in Beaver, PA (A small township  outside of Pittsburgh). We can't help but love them. It appeals to the blue collar worker in all of us. Anyway, the point of this entry is not to love on "My Boys".

  I have serious beef with the companies that insist of creating sexist, overly sexy commercials. I'm not the first parent to complain. A lot of my parent friends did. These commercials were inappropriate for a time that children would be awake watching the game with their parents. I'm tired of GoDaddy commercials and beer commercials that objectify women. I'm tired of half time shows with scantily clad women parading on stage in nothing more than lingerie  What message are we sending to our children and our daughters? Is it really okay once a year to treat women as nothing more than sex objects? Can't they come up with commercials that are appropriate and witty? Take Jeep & Dodge, both fantastic commercials saluting our troops and giving credit to our farmers! Budweiser's commercial was a tearjerker. None of them objectified women or were disgustingly inappropriate. Why not play those commercials in the 1st half? It's not that difficult.

A month...

A month. That's how long my heart will be in my throat. It's how long I'll live in limbo. It's how long I will wait for another blood test to be done on my "baby". I wasn't sure it bothered me until last night when I googled what a "low white blood cell count" meant. The results of inquiry were heart stopping. I should have waited until the 2nd blood test results came back. Now, I know what it could mean and I don't like it. It's freaking me out. We've prayed for him, we've got some serious prayer warriors on his side. That lightens my heart a little but, I put it in God's hand. The waiting is the absolute worst. Part of me hopes for something that will give us answers for the "why's". The other part of my wants my precious "baby" to be fine. It's been a long 8 years of sickness with no answers. I just want to know why. There has to be a reason. Something is causing this, what is it? Is it serious? Is it easily treatable? What will the results mean? What will become of the results? Will it mean another 8 years of no answers? Will this be an ongoing fight? Will someone finally see that we need to get to the bottom of whatever the cause is? Will he ever be healthy? SOME ONE TELL ME!!!!! So, I live with my heart in my throat and hope and pray. It's all I can do. Hug your healthy kids. Be grateful that they are. Someone, some where, is worried sick about their child. I am a someone.

Braggin' on my Boy!

I love my kids. I'm super proud of everything they do. Tonight, was a night of pure bragging rights. Our church is participating in a fundraiser for Alpha Pregnancy Center. Our Pastor challenged families to each fill 2. So, we took 2 and set them on the counter. Tonight, after dinner I emptied the change from my wallet and divided it up between the two. Gavin stopped mid homework and asked if he could put some money in the bottle. I said "sure" assuming he meant help me put the change in. He said "No Mom, my money!" I told him he could but, he needed to decided how much. After all, it was his hard earned allowance. He thought for a couple minutes and came over to me. "Mom, can I put $17.00 in?". Absolutely! It just amazed me that A) He asked to do it and B) came up with that amount all on his own. The kid has a huge heart. It amazes me how much love is in such a tiny little body. I think he renews my faith in humanity daily. The boy has sweetness running through his veins. He'll do big things with it, I know it.

Those days...

You know those days that start off great but, you end up fighting sheer exhaustion by 7? Yup, it's been one of those. I woke up with loads of energy at 6:30 only to be completely wiped by 10 am. I think it's the bouts of screaming toddler. She wakes up happy, our day starts off great. By the time 10 roles around, she's falling apart. Temper tantrums ensue, the hits & kicks all while screaming "NO!" at the top of her little lungs. I'd like the doctors in the NICU to see her now. I doubt they'd believe she was the same child .I just don't know how to make her happy anymore. She has melt downs over the smallest thing. I thought at first it was terrible two's but, we're headed into 3 in about 2 weeks. If I have another year like this past one, I might seriously consider if I've lost my sanity. So tonight, I won't think about the earlier part of the day, or what will happen tomorrow ( I've got a check up for the 8 yr old-hopefully, a break in our routine will help).  I'll climb into my comfy sweats, brew some earl gray and conk out before 9pm. I'm just too tired for anything else.

Gavin's story (and my beginning)

Obviously, my beginning begins long before Gavin. 21 years earlier. At any rate, I'm not interested in sharing my very beginning, I'm interested in sharing the beginning Gavin gave me. To get to the point, we have to back track a little bit. Let me get to it...

My story begins the summer after I turned 20. I was depressed, over weight and felt somewhat unlovable. My self esteem was pretty much non existent. I avoided my friends. I kept to myself. My friends finally managed to get me to come out to dinner for the July babies birthdays. We did this every time a group of us were born closely. So, off I went. We were sitting at dinner and I noticed this guy staring at me. All through dinner. I didn't know who he was other than the brief introduction before dinner. I asked my friend what his deal was, she responded that she thought he liked me and that he was a nice guy. I wasn't really interested in him (or anyone at that point). But, he was persistent and ended up with my number. We talked several times for long periods of time, I gave in and agreed to go on a date. I started spending more time with him and started staying at his house. We got engaged quickly. Then the problems started. Nothing major, just little things. The final straw was after my Grandmother died in December 2003, he came to her funeral in PA with me, and we broke up shortly before Christmas. I stayed at our apartment because we had signed a lease and ended up with what I thought was a stomach bug that was going around work. 2 weeks later, I still couldn't shake it. I was tired all the time. Thinking something was wrong, I went to urgent care with my best friend in tow. What I thought was the stomach bug, ended up being me 30-60 days pregnant. I was devestated. It wasn't in my plans. I was petrified, I had to tell my parents. My sister had gotten pregnant before she was married and I remembered the blow up that ensued. I knew my parents would kill me. I cried the whole way to their house, only to discover my siblings were all there and my parent's were not. I told them and cried the entire time. The anxiety of telling them was overwhelming. I knew I had to "man up" and tell  them. I just didn't want to feel worse about it than I already did.

I waited for what felt like hours, I'm sure it wasn't as long as it felt. They finally came home and I not so bravely told them I needed to talk to them. I told them I was pregnant. My mother's response "I know. How far along are you? and we'll figure it out". Dad's was " It's okay, we love you anyway and we all make mistakes". I knew abortion wasn't in the cards. I felt strongly against it  (even in the face of the unknown). They never would have forgiven me for it either.  I moved home shortly after that conversation largely because of my mother's request and frankly, I was relieved. I wanted to be near her. I wasn't ready to face that reality alone. Gavin's dad (you'll find out who he is later if you don't know already) and I fought constantly. He told his mother I was pregnant and she asked if he was sure it was his. He assured her it was but, that's where the responsibility ended (for a while). I went to all my appointments with my mother. She was there every time I threw up or cried. And man, did I throw up. Morning sickness is not the world. All day, everyday.  I told my boss, she was amazingly supportive and told me I would be able to bring the baby to work with me if I decided to keep it.I had her support whatever I decided. Another co-worker cornered me in the stairway (we worked at a daycare), and informed me that "I was too young to throw my life away and that babies shouldn't have a single parent home, it would be too hard for everyone". Basically, she gave me the green light to have an abortion. I told her "politely" that I wasn't interested in having an abortion and that I'd figure the single mom thing out.  Another friend told me point blank, "get rid of it". That ruined our friendship, I was devastated. It broke my heart to hear it.

My family doctor's group was amazing, the rest of my friends and family were amazing. I wasn't alone. Not for a second. Until my first ultrasound. My family doctor had sent me to a high risk ultrasound doctor. I didn't know it at the time. I guess there were concerns about his size and how I was measuring for my due date. Anyway, they did some ultrasounds and recommended a follow up with them and let my regular doctor ( who was handling my pregnancy and regular OB visits) that they recommended pushing my due date back a few weeks to August 3rd. That was done. I was still measuring small even with a new due date, so back to the ultrasound office we went. The tech was amazing, she let me know it was a boy ( YAY) and let m have some of his ultrasound pictures. She looked concerned and told me she'd get the head doctor and he'd be in shortly. She rushed down the hall with pictures.

Enter Dr.Evil and by evil, I mean he was rotten. I knew he was judging me the second he walked in the room. He asked if this was my first pregnancy, if I was aware of the dangers of being a young mom and the difficulties delivery would bring. He then went on to tell me, there was something wrong with the baby and that it'd be advisable to get an amniocentesis done. He told me the risks and I declined, I was going to love that little boy no matter what. Then he dropped the bombshell. He told me to have an abortion, it would be best for everyone. I wanted to beat the man. Who was he, as a doctor to tell me, to have an abortion. What doctor who swore to preserve life, had the right to tell me an abortion was best. Thank God for my mother, she stepped in and told him I wasn't interested. He was annoyed, I could tell. So, he pushed my due date back, AGAIN, and proceeded to give me information on all the birth defects that could be wrong with "the fetus". 

All Mom and I could figure was that, he assumed I was a teenager and that Mom would be responsible for me and the baby. There was no other reasonable explanation for his rudeness or the way he treated us. Contractions started July 20th. This started a week of labor pains, stopping labor, sending me home, giving me sleeping aids, going back to the hospital, PUPPPs rash (an allergic reaction to the placenta) and finally, labor started July 27th at 7AM. We made it to 10cm, fully effaced and still no water breaking. I was on oxygen for the baby. My doctor came in to break my water at 7PM. Then things went wrong.Water gushed. He came crashing down on his umbilical cord and they lost his heartbeat. Without thinking, my doctor shoved his hand up my vagina to keep his off his cord and to keep him alive, jumped on the gurney and started ripping wires off the machines. The raced us down to the OR and started the emergency c-section. It was a race against time and I was terrified. There was no time for anyone to get ready to come in the room. I experienced this all alone with my doctor wiping my tears and holding my hand. I just kept crying for my mother. I felt so horrible for him, it was probably just as scary for him. Gavin was born 7:08pm, July 27 2004. Full term they decided later, perfectly healthy and gorgeous and weighing in at 6lbs 14oz and 19inches long. He was a miracle, right from his tiny start. He stole my heart that day and everyone else's.

Gavin is the very reason I feel the need to volunteer at Alpha Pregnancy Center. Those girls need to know, as scared as they are, that someone cares. I've been there. I know what the news "you're pregnant" does to someone. I know the fear they feel. If I can save one life by sharing my story, I will.

Our daughters

I am not a feminist. Not by any stretch of the imagination. I am, for all intense purposes, practical. I hope my parental approaches reflect that. I do however, think we need to encourage our daughters to be everything we tell our sons they can be. If my daughter grows up and decides she'd like to be a mechanic, well, you go girl! If she decides she'd like a career in welding, I'm sure her Poppa will be thrilled. The point is, teaching isn't just a woman's job, baking isn't just a woman's thing. Cooking, cleaning, raising children and running a household are not the only jobs for women. We have so many wonderful gifts and talents. We should share them with the world. I want my daughter to grow up knowing how to change oil and her tires. She shouldn't need a man to rescue her. There's nothing wrong with needing a man, she should just know how to do it if she needs to. Just like her brother should know how to clean a house, cook a meal, do laundry and the basics to running a household. Not because there will never be a woman that won't want to do those things for him but, because there won't always be a woman to do it. I fully plan on teaching both the men in my house to braid Teagan's hair. Just in case.

We are never alone.

I struggled today.  I struggled with children who did NOT listen. I struggled with anger. It was the kind of day where you walk into another room and scream into a pillow. I felt unheard. I asked little ears to do simple things, they were ignored. I was frustrated. I said things I shouldn't have, I felt awful. But, I am not alone. I know other mothers who feel that way sometimes. I have a God that promised he would never leave me, or forsake me. Even on the days when I feel defeated by life and by my children. I am never alone. Even on the days when I don't deserve a love bigger than me. I am never alone. Ever.

So, I will pray for strength, forgiveness, grace, mercy and compassion. On the days when it feels impossible to love, I will love because, I was given a love that often, I do not deserve. I am thankful for that. I will remind myself that, I was called for this life, for better and for worse. I was given these little people for a time, they are not mine forever and, I will treat them as the precious gifts that they are. I will be grateful, even when it feels impossible.

I love them to the moon and back. As much as the stars. Forever.

I know I've touched on this before but, my children are different. Vastly different. I'm not talking just the physical differences that come with their genders and ages. I think I noticed these differences straight out of the gate.

They both were born with full heads of hair (Teagan's was wild where Gavin's was almost curly), both made quite the scene coming into the world (Gavin was born via emergency c-section and Teagan was born by c-section only to be rushed to the NICU for breathing issues). Anyway, Gavin was an easy baby. He slept through the night at 6 weeks, rarely fussed and was a first time Mother's dream. Teagan slept through the night at 12 weeks only after (in complete desperation to get some decent sleep) I put cereal in her bedtime bottle. Gavin loved the car from day #1. Maybe it was the constant noise, vibration and movement. He's always been more sensory aware but, he'd conk out within 5 minutes of the car moving. Teagan HATED the car. Maybe it was the restraints of the car seat. She would cry and cry and cry before finally, 5 minutes before we'd reach our destination, she'd settle down.  Gavin was a pacifier kid, Teagan hated the thing. She'd keep it in her mouth long enough to conk out but, the second she did, she managed to spit it out. I could sit Gavin down with blocks and little busy things, he'd play happily for hours. I never had to worry about him getting into things that were off limits. Teagan is only briefly occupied and darts off to find whatever "NO TOUCHIES" she can get her little hands on. Doors are kept shut, make up is hidden and yet, she still manages to find them and make her mess. Gavin potty trained in a weekend, Teagan has accomplished it, after 11 months( I kid you not-we started the day she turned 2). Gavin to this day, loves a good snuggle sessions, hugs and kisses. Teagan will plop in your lap for 2 minutes before she's had enough and is off on yet another adventure. Gavin is Oma's boy. The first grandson so, they share a special bond. Teagan loves her Oma but, she's fiercely loyal to being Poppa's girl. Teagan is flexible in our plans and schedules, where Gavin needs a warning. He's never done well with a wide open schedule. Gavin needs nurturing even during discipline. He's more sensitive and responds better to gentle redirection and talking things out. Spanking never really needs to happen with him, it's just not effective with him. Teagan needs firm, authoritative discipline. You give her an inch and she'll take 5 miles. Gentleness doesn't work for her.

As they've both gotten older, I have noticed (partly because of Gavin's ADHD) they have this insane need to be constantly moving. Maybe Teagan will settle down, maybe not. I find it amazing that, even with the same identical gene pool, they could be so different. I think as a parent, it's been  a constant challenge to remember they ARE different. They do need different things from me. It's been a challenge at times to figure out what makes them tick and who needs what from me. I love them equally but, oh so very differently. They've taught me in my own way, to be more open and flexible. I can't just deal with them the same, I'll pull my hair out from frustration if I try.

I am thankful for their differences. They each bring something so unique and different to my world. They'll each become their own unique people. Nothing makes me happier than that.

Am I grateful?

Today, I read two blog entries from another mother. She lost her son last month. It breaks my heart. Yesterday and today, she posted that she missed doing his laundry (even though it smelled horrid) and washing dishes and cleaning up after his kitchen messes. This got me thinking. Am I so busy complaining about cleaning up messes and tackling piles of laundry that I forget how blessed I am to be doing them for my children and my husband? Have I forgotten that the messes mean the precious beings I love so much are home with me, where they belong? I think I have. These moments don't last forever. Even if I don't lose them in some tragic way, eventually, these days will pass and I won't have the ability to do these things for my children. They will no longer be home, they will be living their lives separately from mine. I hope before that day comes, I will remember how truly blessed I am and that I will be grateful for every moment, because, I am.

I just got a message from my son's school. They let us know they did a practice lock down drill. While I am thrilled and relieved that this was a) just a practice and b) they will know what to do in an emergency, it hurts my heart that a child should NEED to know these things. Being a parent is scary stuff. When my parents were kids, all they did were practice drills in case they got bombed. It's scary to think we've graduated to a world were people will come into our schools and harm our children. I don't want that world for my children. I don't like living in a world where I need to teach them to say no to drugs, to hide if a scary person comes into their school with a gun or to scream and make a scene if someone tries to hurt them or take them. I don't like having to teach them that strangers are dangerous. Little by little, their childhoods are taken away from them. I can only hope and pray they will never need the information they have.

Baby steps

When you're ready for change, or getting a fresh start at something, people always say "baby steps". Baby steps turn into toddler steps (a little more steady, a little more confident) and then those baby steps turn into preschool steps (less hand holding, more independence). Just like my mini girl. I feel like we rushed through the first two years. Not by anything we've done, she just seemed to grow faster than her brother.  I'm now entering the world of preschooler. Not that I want too but, it's the natural progression of things. We've come a long way from her first few days on Earth.

Those days were down right scary. She rushed her way into the world- 4 weeks early. I still think my original delivery date was a little off- she spent 4 days in NICU (breathing trouble and a blood infection) and once she got the hang of things, she hurried her way home. I never left the hospital without her (for that I am entirely thankful). She took her time sleeping through the night, and then took her time crawling, and then she took her time walking. She had this sweet little bop (which we dubbed the Woo-bop). She just bopped around on her knees. Then, she got brave. She took her first steps and that was it. She was off. I still don't think she's stopped.

She's turning 3 in a little less than a month. I still can't believe we're on year 3.

I'm not sure if you believe in God but, I do. This morning at 5:30 my mother called to tell me the house we lived in up until 9 months ago burnt down. If we had been there, we would have been killed for sure.

The official ruling is an electrical fire. The thing that gets me with that is, we LIVED in that house, lights on, tv on, things plugged in and it never caught fire. The upstairs pipe breaks in the bathroom and floods the house causing the owner to use 4 industrial fans and it goes up in flames. Angels? Oh, I think so!
Thankfully, the house was completely empty and nobody was living there. It just scares me to think of what could have been.

I'm BAAAAAACK

After a brief potty training hiatus, I've returned to my blogging glory. Potty training is serious business (ha ha).   I feel like this time around, it took forever. Gavin had the potty thing down in a weekend. Teagan, not so much. She would rather play, thank you very much. So, after what feels like a full year of trying (and backing off), we have another member of the ever elite, panty wearing club. THANK GOD. Pull ups are expensive. She took her sweet time and I have to admit, there's a little pang of sadness with this latest accomplishment. She really isn't my sweet little baby anymore. We've stepped out of toddler-hood and raced full force into our preschool years. She's growing up way too fast. I feel like we strolled leisurely through baby-dom and toddler-hood with Gavin. It flew by with Teagan.

On the bright side,  Teagan discovered Tyler-bunnies today. What's a Tyler bunny? Years ago, Fisher Price made these little bunnies with a pocket for your hand in their head, flannel blanket bodies & satin trimming. I loved them. I'm pretty sure I had one in every color. Anyway, they were given to my older sister when she was a baby by my father's good friend Tyler (this big old harley riding guy). She never had interest in them. I however, loved them. They went everywhere with me. I sucked my thumb and rubbed their satin edging against my nose. I LOVED them.  We lost a few along the way (one fell victim to the golden retriever) and some were probably so ratty my mother threw them out. At any rate, Fisher Price discontinued them forever ago. My mother sent every able body on a mission for them. I kept 3 of them for someday, when I had kids of my own. Gavin never had any interest in them, he loved his Blue too much for that. Teagan had no interest what-so-ever. Until today. She's been carrying them everywhere with her. Gavin put them away and she cried. I'm over joyed. I'm so glad something I loved so much is getting loved again. Maybe she can pass them on to her kids someday.

I'll look through Mom's pictures and post them. I'm not even sure what to google them under since Tyler bunnies are NOT the official name.

I'm worried.

It hit me this morning. I know my son is likable, he always talks about kids he likes to play with at school. I'm concerned that his ADHD (along with other little issues) is keeping him from really bonding with other kids. I'm not sure that he actually has "friends". That breaks my heart. I know Teagan will have an opportunity to make lots of new friends when she starts pre-school (and she will cause HOLY COW). I'm not sure what to do. I want him to have friends, I want to have play dates with other kids (our house or otherwise). I'm just concerned that he won't. His lack of maturity is starting to concern me-is it keeping him from making friends his own age and own ability? Is my fault from moving him from school to school? Have we sheltered him too much? I hope he does develop life long friendships and that he does blossom. I hope he doesn't become discourages and withdrawn.

Sparkles & wings (the original entry)

Today, our routine returned to "normal". The boys are off to work & school. It's just us girls again. I've consumed my morning coffee and jumped right back into another day filled with toddler sized fun. And potty training. Teagan is proving to be harder in that category. She'd rather be playing. Or dancing. Potty training is on the very bottom of her pint sized list of important things. M&M's aren't doing the trick. Time to try a sticker chart. Hopefully that will make all the difference. What toddler doesn't like stickers?

So, while I've got a down second- she's currently entertained by dress-up clothes and shoes- I'm blogging. I've discovered I love it. I just needed this outlet. I'm still debating on sharing it publicly. Right now, I'm just building up enough reading material.

As I'm typing away, in strolls Teagan clad in Fairy wings and a sparkly tutu. She announces "Momma, Wickie's so pretty". Yes baby, you are. It amazes me. She finds that even with her wild hair, no make-up and in a t-shirt & comfy pants, she knows she is beautiful. All she needed was sparkles and wings. If only we could see how beautiful we are. The things a toddler can teach you.

One of "THOSE" weekends.

Ever have one of those weekends where you'd either like a redo or a whole other weekend to follow? Yeaaaah. It was one of "THOSE" kind of weekends. Friday was an attack of the ADHD. All day. Saturday was one of those days where you really just want to stay in pj's but, you've got prior obligations that make that a big "no can do". We (and by we, I mean I, signed us up for puppy/nephew sitting) headed over to my sisters house and were there by 12. The kids whined all morning about one thing or another. We're not used to having nothing to do in someone else's house. The kids were bored (well, just the little one since she had no playmate). Let's just say, I am NOT cut out for 3 kids and a dog (well, giant puppy). 2 kids and 2 cats, sure. And, for all you co-sleepers out there, I give you props. I CANNOT share a bed with an almost 3 year old and wake up refreshed.

So, needless to say, I am glad to be home. My children will be going to bed insanely early. They're ridiculously tired. And moody. I'm looking forward to peace and quiet when bedtime arrives.

One of those days, turned into one of those nights...

Earlier, I broke up a "finger biting fight". I scolded children and demanded better behavior. That's not what I got. Instead, I got a child with gum in her hair (peanut butter is awesome for that), an early round of bath/shower time (due to said gum and peanut butter), put children in their pj's, broken up a nerf gun assault, confiscated said nerf gun and consoled a sobbing 8 year old. At least, he was sorry. It then lead into a fit of sobs over his Aunt's upcoming trip. He doesn't do well with goodbye's (even small ones). I'm exhausted.

For now, I have two children playing nicely. The older is reading to the younger. Somehow, she conned him into reading a cinderella book and playing prince & princess. He's a good kid. I really hope she knows that she really has the best brother. I just need to keep telling myself crazy days like this will pass, and I will miss them once the noise is gone.

Outings are exhausting

My sister and I took the kids out today. There's something completely exhausting about doing that with a child with ADHD and one that's too little to diagnose but has all the signs. It'll be a long time before I do that again. Not because they were bad but, because I'm stinking tired. Like could conk out and sleep past 4:15 and completely miss picking the hubs up from work, tired. That's a bad tired. But, we built memories today and I will put up with a case of the sleepies for that.

I'm taking a time out and they're playing in a fort I built. Nothing fancy, just blankets over the end of the bed and draped over furniture. It made them happy and, it was something I could build easily. I hear belly giggles and jokes. The little one doesn't get them but, she'll giggle along with her brother just the same. I hope these are memories they'll file away in their heads and hearts. That would make me happy. I have memories like that about my own big sisters and I.

The little one just told the big one not to eat her fingers. That can't be promising. *Sigh* aren't we too old for finger eating?

sparkles, wings and pretty girl things

My toddler is my inspiration today. She sees herself as beautiful no matter what she's wearing or doing. She can wear mismatched socks, her hair could be in knots and wild but, she can walk into a room and announce "Momma, Wickie's so  pretty". She's right. She IS pretty. She has this gorgeous complexion, beautiful big brown eyes and gorgeous hair. She has this perfect little nose and sweet little ears. Delicate long fingers and legs that go on for miles.  The kid knows she's gorgeous. I'm glad. Too many times, we let the little things we don't like about ourselves dicatate that "we're not pretty, we're too fat..." That inner voice needs to shut up. We need our inner toddler to dress up in little fairy wings and sparkly tutu's and announce to the world that "I'm so pretty". And, we need to believe it. Just like we did when we were little. We knew. We believed someone when they told us we were beautiful. We never doubted it.

Just remember, you ARE beautiful. Not because you fit into a size 00 but, because you just are. You are a woman, that in itself is beautiful. We're fearfully and wonderfully made. 

A little pang...

Tonight, my brain is overly active. This is leading to several posts. I think I am done for the night but, I read a blog from a friend and *BOOM* I have something else to "talk" about. Thank you for dealing with my obvious ADD. Today, it's worse than normal.

So, there's another mom I admire. She raises 4 children organically and awesomely. She is pregnant with her 5th. Part of me is jealous. I wish I could have another baby sometimes. But, my body hates being pregnant. It turns into this wicked, retching ball of morning sickness. And, I complain. A lot. I wish I didn't. I wish I had those pregnancies where you glow. Don't get me wrong, I'm completely thankful and blessed. I have given life to 2 little bodies. No one loves them more than I do. To the moon, and as much as the stars. Forever. You can't love anybody more than that. And, loved they are. Fiercely.  They have an Oma, Poppa, Aunt Owlie, Aunt Mahni, Uncle Ez, Pup, Aunt Becca, Uncle Steve-o, Nexus, Jay & Aiden. They have a Mommy, Daddy, Nana, Grandpa and so many other people. They have a Sissa & Tyle. They are loved. Beyond measure. And I am blessed. I am blessed to have counted and kissed 20 tiny toes. To have smelled clean baby (powder fresh and sweet smells of lavender). To have fallen asleep with a tiny body clinging tightly to me. To have wet baby slobber on my nose. To have sweet toddler arms wrapped tightly around my neck. I am loved, I love. My life is full. But, I am jealous. Sometimes, I wish for just one more. But, that isn't so. *Sigh* My heart is full anyway. For that, I am truly thankful.

I promise

I think part of the problem with children now, is that we are terrified of being parents. I mean, how many times do children get told no? We've been bullied into being submissive to children. We don't spank out of fear of CPS. I have it on good authority (from someone who works for CPS in New York) that, spanking is not beating. In order for spanking to be classified as physical abuse, it must leave a mark. I'm not saying you should spank your child. Discipline is something left up to you.  But please, tell your child no. Set limits. Set rules. Be a parent. Be their friend when they've earned the right.

A new year, a new beginning

I logged in to facebook this morning, only to be greeted by mostly negative posts and stati (statuses?). It made me sad. We have a whole brand new year ahead of us. Find some thing joyful in that. It's full of possibilities and new chances to do the things we swore we'd do last year and never did.

I didn't go out drinking with the 20 somethings. I spent mine in the comfort of my home surrounded by people who fill my heart with love and joy every day. I don't do the whole resolution thing, it's just a way to set yourself up for failure. So, this year, I decided to find the good in every moment. It won't matter if I've had a rough day or my children weren't model citizens today. There's still joy and good in each day.

My year has started out fantastically. I woke up to a clean house ( I did that before the ball dropped). I woke up to happy children. I woke up to a man that loves me, even with my flaws (and trust me, I have a ton). I was even greeted by my fuzzy babies NOT demanding food but, they wanted love (and then pointed out that they'd also like food). It's been a peaceful day in my home. I'd like to think 2013 ushered peace in.

Focus on the good and the bad won't seem so bad. Remember, life is full of joyful moments.