Wednesday, January 30, 2013
Braggin' on my Boy!
Tuesday, January 29, 2013
Those days...
You know those days that start off great but, you end up fighting sheer exhaustion by 7? Yup, it's been one of those. I woke up with loads of energy at 6:30 only to be completely wiped by 10 am. I think it's the bouts of screaming toddler. She wakes up happy, our day starts off great. By the time 10 roles around, she's falling apart. Temper tantrums ensue, the hits & kicks all while screaming "NO!" at the top of her little lungs. I'd like the doctors in the NICU to see her now. I doubt they'd believe she was the same child .I just don't know how to make her happy anymore. She has melt downs over the smallest thing. I thought at first it was terrible two's but, we're headed into 3 in about 2 weeks. If I have another year like this past one, I might seriously consider if I've lost my sanity. So tonight, I won't think about the earlier part of the day, or what will happen tomorrow ( I've got a check up for the 8 yr old-hopefully, a break in our routine will help). I'll climb into my comfy sweats, brew some earl gray and conk out before 9pm. I'm just too tired for anything else.
Sunday, January 27, 2013
Gavin's story (and my beginning)
Obviously, my beginning begins long before Gavin. 21 years earlier. At any rate, I'm not interested in sharing my very beginning, I'm interested in sharing the beginning Gavin gave me. To get to the point, we have to back track a little bit. Let me get to it...
My story begins the summer after I turned 20. I was depressed, over weight and felt somewhat unlovable. My self esteem was pretty much non existent. I avoided my friends. I kept to myself. My friends finally managed to get me to come out to dinner for the July babies birthdays. We did this every time a group of us were born closely. So, off I went. We were sitting at dinner and I noticed this guy staring at me. All through dinner. I didn't know who he was other than the brief introduction before dinner. I asked my friend what his deal was, she responded that she thought he liked me and that he was a nice guy. I wasn't really interested in him (or anyone at that point). But, he was persistent and ended up with my number. We talked several times for long periods of time, I gave in and agreed to go on a date. I started spending more time with him and started staying at his house. We got engaged quickly. Then the problems started. Nothing major, just little things. The final straw was after my Grandmother died in December 2003, he came to her funeral in PA with me, and we broke up shortly before Christmas. I stayed at our apartment because we had signed a lease and ended up with what I thought was a stomach bug that was going around work. 2 weeks later, I still couldn't shake it. I was tired all the time. Thinking something was wrong, I went to urgent care with my best friend in tow. What I thought was the stomach bug, ended up being me 30-60 days pregnant. I was devestated. It wasn't in my plans. I was petrified, I had to tell my parents. My sister had gotten pregnant before she was married and I remembered the blow up that ensued. I knew my parents would kill me. I cried the whole way to their house, only to discover my siblings were all there and my parent's were not. I told them and cried the entire time. The anxiety of telling them was overwhelming. I knew I had to "man up" and tell them. I just didn't want to feel worse about it than I already did.
I waited for what felt like hours, I'm sure it wasn't as long as it felt. They finally came home and I not so bravely told them I needed to talk to them. I told them I was pregnant. My mother's response "I know. How far along are you? and we'll figure it out". Dad's was " It's okay, we love you anyway and we all make mistakes". I knew abortion wasn't in the cards. I felt strongly against it (even in the face of the unknown). They never would have forgiven me for it either. I moved home shortly after that conversation largely because of my mother's request and frankly, I was relieved. I wanted to be near her. I wasn't ready to face that reality alone. Gavin's dad (you'll find out who he is later if you don't know already) and I fought constantly. He told his mother I was pregnant and she asked if he was sure it was his. He assured her it was but, that's where the responsibility ended (for a while). I went to all my appointments with my mother. She was there every time I threw up or cried. And man, did I throw up. Morning sickness is not the world. All day, everyday. I told my boss, she was amazingly supportive and told me I would be able to bring the baby to work with me if I decided to keep it.I had her support whatever I decided. Another co-worker cornered me in the stairway (we worked at a daycare), and informed me that "I was too young to throw my life away and that babies shouldn't have a single parent home, it would be too hard for everyone". Basically, she gave me the green light to have an abortion. I told her "politely" that I wasn't interested in having an abortion and that I'd figure the single mom thing out. Another friend told me point blank, "get rid of it". That ruined our friendship, I was devastated. It broke my heart to hear it.
My family doctor's group was amazing, the rest of my friends and family were amazing. I wasn't alone. Not for a second. Until my first ultrasound. My family doctor had sent me to a high risk ultrasound doctor. I didn't know it at the time. I guess there were concerns about his size and how I was measuring for my due date. Anyway, they did some ultrasounds and recommended a follow up with them and let my regular doctor ( who was handling my pregnancy and regular OB visits) that they recommended pushing my due date back a few weeks to August 3rd. That was done. I was still measuring small even with a new due date, so back to the ultrasound office we went. The tech was amazing, she let me know it was a boy ( YAY) and let m have some of his ultrasound pictures. She looked concerned and told me she'd get the head doctor and he'd be in shortly. She rushed down the hall with pictures.
Enter Dr.Evil and by evil, I mean he was rotten. I knew he was judging me the second he walked in the room. He asked if this was my first pregnancy, if I was aware of the dangers of being a young mom and the difficulties delivery would bring. He then went on to tell me, there was something wrong with the baby and that it'd be advisable to get an amniocentesis done. He told me the risks and I declined, I was going to love that little boy no matter what. Then he dropped the bombshell. He told me to have an abortion, it would be best for everyone. I wanted to beat the man. Who was he, as a doctor to tell me, to have an abortion. What doctor who swore to preserve life, had the right to tell me an abortion was best. Thank God for my mother, she stepped in and told him I wasn't interested. He was annoyed, I could tell. So, he pushed my due date back, AGAIN, and proceeded to give me information on all the birth defects that could be wrong with "the fetus".
All Mom and I could figure was that, he assumed I was a teenager and that Mom would be responsible for me and the baby. There was no other reasonable explanation for his rudeness or the way he treated us. Contractions started July 20th. This started a week of labor pains, stopping labor, sending me home, giving me sleeping aids, going back to the hospital, PUPPPs rash (an allergic reaction to the placenta) and finally, labor started July 27th at 7AM. We made it to 10cm, fully effaced and still no water breaking. I was on oxygen for the baby. My doctor came in to break my water at 7PM. Then things went wrong.Water gushed. He came crashing down on his umbilical cord and they lost his heartbeat. Without thinking, my doctor shoved his hand up my vagina to keep his off his cord and to keep him alive, jumped on the gurney and started ripping wires off the machines. The raced us down to the OR and started the emergency c-section. It was a race against time and I was terrified. There was no time for anyone to get ready to come in the room. I experienced this all alone with my doctor wiping my tears and holding my hand. I just kept crying for my mother. I felt so horrible for him, it was probably just as scary for him. Gavin was born 7:08pm, July 27 2004. Full term they decided later, perfectly healthy and gorgeous and weighing in at 6lbs 14oz and 19inches long. He was a miracle, right from his tiny start. He stole my heart that day and everyone else's.
Gavin is the very reason I feel the need to volunteer at Alpha Pregnancy Center. Those girls need to know, as scared as they are, that someone cares. I've been there. I know what the news "you're pregnant" does to someone. I know the fear they feel. If I can save one life by sharing my story, I will.
My story begins the summer after I turned 20. I was depressed, over weight and felt somewhat unlovable. My self esteem was pretty much non existent. I avoided my friends. I kept to myself. My friends finally managed to get me to come out to dinner for the July babies birthdays. We did this every time a group of us were born closely. So, off I went. We were sitting at dinner and I noticed this guy staring at me. All through dinner. I didn't know who he was other than the brief introduction before dinner. I asked my friend what his deal was, she responded that she thought he liked me and that he was a nice guy. I wasn't really interested in him (or anyone at that point). But, he was persistent and ended up with my number. We talked several times for long periods of time, I gave in and agreed to go on a date. I started spending more time with him and started staying at his house. We got engaged quickly. Then the problems started. Nothing major, just little things. The final straw was after my Grandmother died in December 2003, he came to her funeral in PA with me, and we broke up shortly before Christmas. I stayed at our apartment because we had signed a lease and ended up with what I thought was a stomach bug that was going around work. 2 weeks later, I still couldn't shake it. I was tired all the time. Thinking something was wrong, I went to urgent care with my best friend in tow. What I thought was the stomach bug, ended up being me 30-60 days pregnant. I was devestated. It wasn't in my plans. I was petrified, I had to tell my parents. My sister had gotten pregnant before she was married and I remembered the blow up that ensued. I knew my parents would kill me. I cried the whole way to their house, only to discover my siblings were all there and my parent's were not. I told them and cried the entire time. The anxiety of telling them was overwhelming. I knew I had to "man up" and tell them. I just didn't want to feel worse about it than I already did.
I waited for what felt like hours, I'm sure it wasn't as long as it felt. They finally came home and I not so bravely told them I needed to talk to them. I told them I was pregnant. My mother's response "I know. How far along are you? and we'll figure it out". Dad's was " It's okay, we love you anyway and we all make mistakes". I knew abortion wasn't in the cards. I felt strongly against it (even in the face of the unknown). They never would have forgiven me for it either. I moved home shortly after that conversation largely because of my mother's request and frankly, I was relieved. I wanted to be near her. I wasn't ready to face that reality alone. Gavin's dad (you'll find out who he is later if you don't know already) and I fought constantly. He told his mother I was pregnant and she asked if he was sure it was his. He assured her it was but, that's where the responsibility ended (for a while). I went to all my appointments with my mother. She was there every time I threw up or cried. And man, did I throw up. Morning sickness is not the world. All day, everyday. I told my boss, she was amazingly supportive and told me I would be able to bring the baby to work with me if I decided to keep it.I had her support whatever I decided. Another co-worker cornered me in the stairway (we worked at a daycare), and informed me that "I was too young to throw my life away and that babies shouldn't have a single parent home, it would be too hard for everyone". Basically, she gave me the green light to have an abortion. I told her "politely" that I wasn't interested in having an abortion and that I'd figure the single mom thing out. Another friend told me point blank, "get rid of it". That ruined our friendship, I was devastated. It broke my heart to hear it.
My family doctor's group was amazing, the rest of my friends and family were amazing. I wasn't alone. Not for a second. Until my first ultrasound. My family doctor had sent me to a high risk ultrasound doctor. I didn't know it at the time. I guess there were concerns about his size and how I was measuring for my due date. Anyway, they did some ultrasounds and recommended a follow up with them and let my regular doctor ( who was handling my pregnancy and regular OB visits) that they recommended pushing my due date back a few weeks to August 3rd. That was done. I was still measuring small even with a new due date, so back to the ultrasound office we went. The tech was amazing, she let me know it was a boy ( YAY) and let m have some of his ultrasound pictures. She looked concerned and told me she'd get the head doctor and he'd be in shortly. She rushed down the hall with pictures.
Enter Dr.Evil and by evil, I mean he was rotten. I knew he was judging me the second he walked in the room. He asked if this was my first pregnancy, if I was aware of the dangers of being a young mom and the difficulties delivery would bring. He then went on to tell me, there was something wrong with the baby and that it'd be advisable to get an amniocentesis done. He told me the risks and I declined, I was going to love that little boy no matter what. Then he dropped the bombshell. He told me to have an abortion, it would be best for everyone. I wanted to beat the man. Who was he, as a doctor to tell me, to have an abortion. What doctor who swore to preserve life, had the right to tell me an abortion was best. Thank God for my mother, she stepped in and told him I wasn't interested. He was annoyed, I could tell. So, he pushed my due date back, AGAIN, and proceeded to give me information on all the birth defects that could be wrong with "the fetus".
All Mom and I could figure was that, he assumed I was a teenager and that Mom would be responsible for me and the baby. There was no other reasonable explanation for his rudeness or the way he treated us. Contractions started July 20th. This started a week of labor pains, stopping labor, sending me home, giving me sleeping aids, going back to the hospital, PUPPPs rash (an allergic reaction to the placenta) and finally, labor started July 27th at 7AM. We made it to 10cm, fully effaced and still no water breaking. I was on oxygen for the baby. My doctor came in to break my water at 7PM. Then things went wrong.Water gushed. He came crashing down on his umbilical cord and they lost his heartbeat. Without thinking, my doctor shoved his hand up my vagina to keep his off his cord and to keep him alive, jumped on the gurney and started ripping wires off the machines. The raced us down to the OR and started the emergency c-section. It was a race against time and I was terrified. There was no time for anyone to get ready to come in the room. I experienced this all alone with my doctor wiping my tears and holding my hand. I just kept crying for my mother. I felt so horrible for him, it was probably just as scary for him. Gavin was born 7:08pm, July 27 2004. Full term they decided later, perfectly healthy and gorgeous and weighing in at 6lbs 14oz and 19inches long. He was a miracle, right from his tiny start. He stole my heart that day and everyone else's.
Gavin is the very reason I feel the need to volunteer at Alpha Pregnancy Center. Those girls need to know, as scared as they are, that someone cares. I've been there. I know what the news "you're pregnant" does to someone. I know the fear they feel. If I can save one life by sharing my story, I will.
Thursday, January 24, 2013
Our daughters
I am not a feminist. Not by any stretch of the imagination. I am, for all intense purposes, practical. I hope my parental approaches reflect that. I do however, think we need to encourage our daughters to be everything we tell our sons they can be. If my daughter grows up and decides she'd like to be a mechanic, well, you go girl! If she decides she'd like a career in welding, I'm sure her Poppa will be thrilled. The point is, teaching isn't just a woman's job, baking isn't just a woman's thing. Cooking, cleaning, raising children and running a household are not the only jobs for women. We have so many wonderful gifts and talents. We should share them with the world. I want my daughter to grow up knowing how to change oil and her tires. She shouldn't need a man to rescue her. There's nothing wrong with needing a man, she should just know how to do it if she needs to. Just like her brother should know how to clean a house, cook a meal, do laundry and the basics to running a household. Not because there will never be a woman that won't want to do those things for him but, because there won't always be a woman to do it. I fully plan on teaching both the men in my house to braid Teagan's hair. Just in case.
Monday, January 21, 2013
We are never alone.
I struggled today. I struggled with children who did NOT listen. I struggled with anger. It was the kind of day where you walk into another room and scream into a pillow. I felt unheard. I asked little ears to do simple things, they were ignored. I was frustrated. I said things I shouldn't have, I felt awful. But, I am not alone. I know other mothers who feel that way sometimes. I have a God that promised he would never leave me, or forsake me. Even on the days when I feel defeated by life and by my children. I am never alone. Even on the days when I don't deserve a love bigger than me. I am never alone. Ever.
So, I will pray for strength, forgiveness, grace, mercy and compassion. On the days when it feels impossible to love, I will love because, I was given a love that often, I do not deserve. I am thankful for that. I will remind myself that, I was called for this life, for better and for worse. I was given these little people for a time, they are not mine forever and, I will treat them as the precious gifts that they are. I will be grateful, even when it feels impossible.
I love them to the moon and back. As much as the stars. Forever.
So, I will pray for strength, forgiveness, grace, mercy and compassion. On the days when it feels impossible to love, I will love because, I was given a love that often, I do not deserve. I am thankful for that. I will remind myself that, I was called for this life, for better and for worse. I was given these little people for a time, they are not mine forever and, I will treat them as the precious gifts that they are. I will be grateful, even when it feels impossible.
I know I've touched on this before but, my children are different. Vastly different. I'm not talking just the physical differences that come with their genders and ages. I think I noticed these differences straight out of the gate.
They both were born with full heads of hair (Teagan's was wild where Gavin's was almost curly), both made quite the scene coming into the world (Gavin was born via emergency c-section and Teagan was born by c-section only to be rushed to the NICU for breathing issues). Anyway, Gavin was an easy baby. He slept through the night at 6 weeks, rarely fussed and was a first time Mother's dream. Teagan slept through the night at 12 weeks only after (in complete desperation to get some decent sleep) I put cereal in her bedtime bottle. Gavin loved the car from day #1. Maybe it was the constant noise, vibration and movement. He's always been more sensory aware but, he'd conk out within 5 minutes of the car moving. Teagan HATED the car. Maybe it was the restraints of the car seat. She would cry and cry and cry before finally, 5 minutes before we'd reach our destination, she'd settle down. Gavin was a pacifier kid, Teagan hated the thing. She'd keep it in her mouth long enough to conk out but, the second she did, she managed to spit it out. I could sit Gavin down with blocks and little busy things, he'd play happily for hours. I never had to worry about him getting into things that were off limits. Teagan is only briefly occupied and darts off to find whatever "NO TOUCHIES" she can get her little hands on. Doors are kept shut, make up is hidden and yet, she still manages to find them and make her mess. Gavin potty trained in a weekend, Teagan has accomplished it, after 11 months( I kid you not-we started the day she turned 2). Gavin to this day, loves a good snuggle sessions, hugs and kisses. Teagan will plop in your lap for 2 minutes before she's had enough and is off on yet another adventure. Gavin is Oma's boy. The first grandson so, they share a special bond. Teagan loves her Oma but, she's fiercely loyal to being Poppa's girl. Teagan is flexible in our plans and schedules, where Gavin needs a warning. He's never done well with a wide open schedule. Gavin needs nurturing even during discipline. He's more sensitive and responds better to gentle redirection and talking things out. Spanking never really needs to happen with him, it's just not effective with him. Teagan needs firm, authoritative discipline. You give her an inch and she'll take 5 miles. Gentleness doesn't work for her.
As they've both gotten older, I have noticed (partly because of Gavin's ADHD) they have this insane need to be constantly moving. Maybe Teagan will settle down, maybe not. I find it amazing that, even with the same identical gene pool, they could be so different. I think as a parent, it's been a constant challenge to remember they ARE different. They do need different things from me. It's been a challenge at times to figure out what makes them tick and who needs what from me. I love them equally but, oh so very differently. They've taught me in my own way, to be more open and flexible. I can't just deal with them the same, I'll pull my hair out from frustration if I try.
I am thankful for their differences. They each bring something so unique and different to my world. They'll each become their own unique people. Nothing makes me happier than that.
They both were born with full heads of hair (Teagan's was wild where Gavin's was almost curly), both made quite the scene coming into the world (Gavin was born via emergency c-section and Teagan was born by c-section only to be rushed to the NICU for breathing issues). Anyway, Gavin was an easy baby. He slept through the night at 6 weeks, rarely fussed and was a first time Mother's dream. Teagan slept through the night at 12 weeks only after (in complete desperation to get some decent sleep) I put cereal in her bedtime bottle. Gavin loved the car from day #1. Maybe it was the constant noise, vibration and movement. He's always been more sensory aware but, he'd conk out within 5 minutes of the car moving. Teagan HATED the car. Maybe it was the restraints of the car seat. She would cry and cry and cry before finally, 5 minutes before we'd reach our destination, she'd settle down. Gavin was a pacifier kid, Teagan hated the thing. She'd keep it in her mouth long enough to conk out but, the second she did, she managed to spit it out. I could sit Gavin down with blocks and little busy things, he'd play happily for hours. I never had to worry about him getting into things that were off limits. Teagan is only briefly occupied and darts off to find whatever "NO TOUCHIES" she can get her little hands on. Doors are kept shut, make up is hidden and yet, she still manages to find them and make her mess. Gavin potty trained in a weekend, Teagan has accomplished it, after 11 months( I kid you not-we started the day she turned 2). Gavin to this day, loves a good snuggle sessions, hugs and kisses. Teagan will plop in your lap for 2 minutes before she's had enough and is off on yet another adventure. Gavin is Oma's boy. The first grandson so, they share a special bond. Teagan loves her Oma but, she's fiercely loyal to being Poppa's girl. Teagan is flexible in our plans and schedules, where Gavin needs a warning. He's never done well with a wide open schedule. Gavin needs nurturing even during discipline. He's more sensitive and responds better to gentle redirection and talking things out. Spanking never really needs to happen with him, it's just not effective with him. Teagan needs firm, authoritative discipline. You give her an inch and she'll take 5 miles. Gentleness doesn't work for her.
As they've both gotten older, I have noticed (partly because of Gavin's ADHD) they have this insane need to be constantly moving. Maybe Teagan will settle down, maybe not. I find it amazing that, even with the same identical gene pool, they could be so different. I think as a parent, it's been a constant challenge to remember they ARE different. They do need different things from me. It's been a challenge at times to figure out what makes them tick and who needs what from me. I love them equally but, oh so very differently. They've taught me in my own way, to be more open and flexible. I can't just deal with them the same, I'll pull my hair out from frustration if I try.
I am thankful for their differences. They each bring something so unique and different to my world. They'll each become their own unique people. Nothing makes me happier than that.
Saturday, January 19, 2013
Am I grateful?
Today, I read two blog entries from another mother. She lost her son last month. It breaks my heart. Yesterday and today, she posted that she missed doing his laundry (even though it smelled horrid) and washing dishes and cleaning up after his kitchen messes. This got me thinking. Am I so busy complaining about cleaning up messes and tackling piles of laundry that I forget how blessed I am to be doing them for my children and my husband? Have I forgotten that the messes mean the precious beings I love so much are home with me, where they belong? I think I have. These moments don't last forever. Even if I don't lose them in some tragic way, eventually, these days will pass and I won't have the ability to do these things for my children. They will no longer be home, they will be living their lives separately from mine. I hope before that day comes, I will remember how truly blessed I am and that I will be grateful for every moment, because, I am.
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