A year of reflection

I'm looking back on all things 2012. I can't say any one event stands out more than the other. I can't say it was boring, it's just one big blur. I have my favorites though.

I loved seeing the family for July 4th. I've always loved that though. There's something wonderful about being with the people that know where you come from. There's so many wonderful people in my genetic gene pool. I love the saying "cousins are your first friends". That's true now more than ever.

Teagan turned 2 this year, Gavin turned 8. I turned 30. It's been a wonderful 30 years. Mostly.

I haven't suffered any major heartbreak this year (YAY). It seems the rest of the world has though. That makes me sad. My heart hurts for them.

I won't be making new resolutions this year. I'll make little changes that will lead to big changes. I hate putting pressure on myself to "be better". As if the person I am now is not good enough. Plus, let's be honest, I'd break my promises by February. So, I'll set little goals throughout the year and focus on what's really important because, December 31st, it won't matter if I didn't lose those pesky 10lbs or not.

A boy & his Momma

Once again, the mom I've been following wrote a blog that inspired me. It made think. Which is good, most of the time. Anyway, She wrote about her son and how she loved talking about him. It got me thinking about my own children. I love them to a million little pieces. I love them equally. My love for each of them is different. I don't know why, or how. Maybe I can explain it. I'll try.

I love my daughter. She makes me laugh. She's just this incredibly funny little being. I think she knows her purpose is to make people laugh. She brings so much life to our home. She's such a busy little thing. Always climbing, always curious. It never ceases to amaze me how much energy she contains. I want a small vile of her energy. Some day, she will be one of my best friends. I'll teach her every thing I know, and she'll teach me. She already has. But, little girls have a special bond with their daddies that is so much deeper than the love she'll have for me. I'm okay with that, a daddy should have her heart more than a mommy. He's the first man in her life. The one that can protect her from anything. She'll run to him first. It warms my heart to know she loves her daddy as much as I love mine. I hope she values that. She'll love me equally, yet differently. I can teach her things no one else can. But, her heart belongs to her daddy more. I understand, I have a daddy.

My son. The one that came charging into my life with such force. He is my first born. The one that gave me purpose. His Oma & Poppa's first grandson. The heir to the Davis line. He will carry on our name. He still climbs into my lap for comfort. He cries for me when he's hurt or scared. I treasure that. It won't belong before he's too big and I'm too little. He laughs this hearty, belly laugh. I wish you could hear it. I am the first woman he will ever love. I loved him first. For a while, it was him and I against the world. We survived together. I could go on for hours about him.

I don't love one any more than I love the other, I love them differently. With a fierceness only a mother can. God help the first person that breaks their heart or little body.

364...

Someone on Facebook had a status that said "364 more days until Christmas". I wanted to throttle them. I need all 364 days to recover from Christmas Day. We finally got smart this year. Usually, we rush through Christmas Day with sheer madness and end up exhausted and cranky by 5:00 pm. Not this year! We decided as a family, to celebrate Christmas with my sister and her 3 kids early (Sunday). We celebrated Christmas Eve with my husband's mother & step father. We let the kids open all their presents (minus the two special ones) after dinner. We saved stockings for Christmas morning before we headed up to my parent's for breakfast and opening the rest of the presents. Even still, I'm exhausted. I think spreading Christmas festivities over 3 days is almost more exhausting than cramming them all into 1 day. I'd love to know how my parent's did it with all 4 of us.

As a child, we'd do Christmas Eve service with my Mimi & PopPop and head home. Mom would let us open one present before bed (brand new matching pajamas) and we'd climb into bed (much too excited to sleep) only to wake up at 6:00 am Christmas morning. I'm pretty sure I was the one waking everyone up excitedly whispering "wake up, wake up, it's Christmas!!!". My poor parents. They'd let us open stockings while they exhaustedly sipped their first cup of coffee. We'd eat cinnamon rolls and grapefruit after and then open the rest of our presents. We'd spend some time in our pajamas, admiring all our new stuff. After which, we'd head to Altamont for Christmas dinner with MiMi & PopPop and for more presents. I don't think we'd ever be home before 8.

I'm sure we'll tweak our plans again next year. I just need another 364 days to get ready.

Like a snowflake...each one unique

Recently, I started following another Mother's blog.  She had a post that remarked on how different but how loved her children were. That got me thinking. I'm the youngest of 4 children. All girls. We all look alike but, we're all so different. And we were loved. Are loved. Still. After all the things we've put our parents through, they still love us. It amazes me how deeply parents can love. It also got me thinking of my own children.

Gavin was born first via emergency c-section. My pregnancy with him was hard. Morning sickness all day everyday for the first trimester. I sailed through the 2nd trimester. The 3rd trimester I broke out in this horrible rash (PUPPPS) and suffered weeks of contraction. My water never broke even at 10cm. He came crashing down on his umbilical cord and scared the crap out of everyone in the room. He was born with a full head of gorgeous wavy almost black hair. He looked tan and weighed 6 lbs 14oz. He was such a good baby, slept through the night at 6 weeks. He was a dream. Took great naps, always happy even covered head to toe in oozing chicken pox. We never went through terrible twos. Even 3 wasn't horribly difficult. He's my cuddly child. He still loves to be tucked in, loves to sit in my lap. He's my sickly kid. We always joke that if some one sneezes 3 counties away, he'll get sick. Our toughest road with him to date has been our recent diagnosis of ADHD. Even then, he's been insanely easy to parent. His sister...well she's another story.

Teagan was a surprise pregnancy. I was told that I would never have another child after some precancerous cell had been found. I was thrilled, we all were. I started feeling lousy before I knew I was pregnant. The morning sickness started in the second I took a pregnancy test. I was sick all day everyday. The entire pregnancy. My due date was March 8th. Would she wait? Absolutely not. She arrived via c-section February 13th. She was a good baby but didn't sleep through the night until she was 3 months. She naps an hour on the nose. Not a minute more. She's my independent child. If she can do it herself, she refuses any sort of help or encouragement. She's mischievous. She's busy. She's every bit as lovable as her brother.

I love both my children to the point that sometimes, it hurts to breath. My heart feels like it will burst whenever they wrap their little arms around my neck. They push me to the point of exhaustion but, every minute they are in my life is worth it. I'm sure they'll change more the older they get. I look forward to it. For now, I'm content watching them blossom into the adults they will become, faster than I would like. I hope they know that I will never stop loving them for minute. I will cheer them on louder than anyone. After all, they're the only ones that know what my heart sound like, they've lived with it from the second they've formed.

I love them more than the stars.

The end of the World ( As I know it)

Tomorrow is my 30th birthday. It's also the end of the world ( depending on who you ask or what you believe).  I find this ironic. Not because I believe it, but because I've heard so many people talk about how horrible turning 30 is. My thought is this, I will go to bed 29 and wake up 30. I won't feel any older, I won't sink into a deep, dark depression. I will get up and do the same thing I always do. I will tend to the needs of my children, run  my household and look forward to the surprise we have planned for the kids (I got to pick since it's my birthday). I think I'm more excited about that than my actual birthday ('ll post some pictures of it later). I've discovered in recent years that, I just don't feel like doing anything or making a big deal out of my arrival into the world. I don't feel like it's any different than any other day.  Again, it's not because I dread getting older, I actually feel indifferent. I feel like my children have aged while time for me is standing still. I guess I've been so busy watching them grow that I haven't even realized I've gotten older too. It's been a good distraction that way.

My pledge

My pledge to my children:

I WILL not be your friend.

I WILL be your Mother.

I WILL hold you accountable for your actions

I WILL raise you to fear & love God

I WILL raise you with morals

I WILL raise you to respect your elders

I WILL teach you to love everyone

I WILL love you, even when you feel unlovable

I WILL be there for you, forever and always

I WILL protect you from what I can and prepare you for what I can't.

I WILL leave the world better children

I WILL remember that you are a gift from God

I WILL pray for you daily

I WILL treat your father with the respect he deserves.

I love you both more than the stars. You can't love anyone more than that.

What 20 Angels taught me...

My heart breaks for every family that experienced the devastating loss of Friday's tragic events. I cannot imagine the grief of loosing a child. My heart cannot comprehend the depth of losing a child to such horrible, unimaginable act of violence. When my own 8 year old stepped off the bus, I covered him with all the love I have.

Those 20 beautiful Angels that I have never met, have taught me several things. They have taught me that horrible things happen that make no sense. They have taught me that God is everywhere, even in the midst of  pure evil. They have taught me that it is my job (now more than ever) to teach my children that they MUST love everyone and that they ARE loved. Always. They have taught me that their teachers will love them just as I do. For that I am truly thankful.

I pray for comfort  for these families as they grieve. It is all I can do. I pray that there are Angels always surrounding my children and keeping them under the protection of their wings. I pray that I do better for them. That I am slow to anger and quick to love. That I remember God has given them to me for no specified time and that He has entrusted me with them. I pray that I do not disappoint Him or fail them.

Sometimes, during the business of life, the needs of children and a husband, I forget who I am. It's not hard to do. I'm so busy with laundry, helping with homework, daily chores that keep my days filled and 2 endlessly busy children. I am thankful for them. They are the heartbeat of my life. Today, I felt myself once again overwhelmed by the constant need and business of my daughter. Whoever said girls were easier lied. She is NOT easy. She constantly climbs. She's a mess. In her path of curiosity, she leaves chaos in her wake. Today, I forgot who I was. I used to know. Today, I was reminded. Little arms reached for me and claimed "Momma, Wickie needs you". Today, I am needed. I am loved. I AM love. I am the gentle hands that hug boo-boos, wipe away tears and guide her along her path. It doesn't matter who or what I wanted to be. I am a Mother. There is no greater thing than that.  I am also a daughter, a wife, a sister, an aunt, a best friend. I am so much more than I realize. I am blessed and I am grateful.