Sometimes, life just hurts.

When I was little, I wanted nothing more to be a grown up. I wish I knew what being a grown up really meant and what came along with it. I would have spent more time just enjoying being a kid. Being a grown up sucks. It hurts. Sure, there are wonderful parts to being a grown up but, when you get down to it, most of the time, it just freaking hurts. There's nobody that can protect you from the moments when your heart crumbles into a million itty bitty pieces. You'll have an army of people (if you're lucky) to surround you with love and support when it does but, they can't stop the train of hurt from crashing through your life. There's no one to sugar coat the awfulness that is the after math of that hurt. You can't reason it away. You just have to steel yourself against it, fall apart quietly so you don't upset your kids and get back up. You might be a little shakier after it and less secure about what life brings your way but, you'll be wiser for it. There will be a moment, when you're feeling content and that all is right in the world, where you've forgotten all of the horrible things life has done and BAM, life gets you right in the guts. Someone you've meant to get in touch with but, life happened (like it always does) and you let the moment slip by. And then, without warning, they're gone. And, you're here but, they've taken part of you with them because, when you were little and they were little, your lives existed together. Maybe in a big way, maybe in just the small way of a mutual kindness when you both needed it. Maybe, in the way that you'll look back on a memory you thought was fuzzy and you'll find them there. You'll wish you could pull them out so you could replay that memory together and they could see that all these years later, they mattered.  I wish you knew that. Thank you for being kind to me even though my hair was longer than everyone else, my clothes weren't the coolest, and I was so much shorter than everyone else in our class and that alone gave people reason enough to pick on me.Thank you for making me laugh when I felt miserable about the fact that I had to leave the class for extra math help.Thank you for not being too cool in middle school to stop me for a hug and to remind me that from that little tiny school, I would always have a family to call mine because, we hold each others childhoods in our hearts, good, bad or otherwise. You sir, were a rare and wonderful kind of person. There's nothing I wish more for you than the peace you couldn't find here. You were loved in little and big ways because, it would be impossible for a person like you NOT to be loved. I wish you knew all that and that I had a chance to tell you that.

5 for 5

To my sweet, sweet girl,

Tomorrow you turn 5. I can't say I know where time went or how it happened so fast but, here we are on the eve of your birthday. I looked at you this morning and was amazed at how big you suddenly look. There's hardly a trace of those sweet baby cheeks I loved so much. There's still those gorgeous doe eyes that have always stopped my heart in an instant but, you've lost so much of that baby-ness.

In honor of you, I'm giving you 5 things I love about you. 1 for every year you've changed our world.

1) How strong willed you are. You know if you don't like something and you feel strongly about it, you'll let the world know. You're so sure of what you like and don't like. There's no reasoning with you or changing your mind. Some days, it frustrates me but, it's part of what makes you wonderfully you.

2) How crazy beautiful you truly are. Not just in looks but, in how free spirited you are. You don't have to match, you're proud of your hearts and polkadot combinations. Who cares if your orange socks don't match your green shirt, you're rocking them anyway. Even at 5, you have this incredible sense of who you are. You'll proudly bang your drum and march to it's beat, even if the rest of the world is waltzing.

3) Your big beautiful brown eyes. They've saved you from big trouble so many times. You just look at us and our hearts melt. You've used it to your advantage but really, nobody minds at all. You really could melt a heart just by being you.

4) How gentle you are with animals. You loved anything with fur. You don't care that FP smells, you'll let him climb in your lap and just love on him. You love to help give them treats and smother them with hugs and kisses.

5)How emotionally aware you are. You're not afraid to have a melt down if you feel some great injustice has been done to you. You're so gentle to your brother when he's had a bad day. You want all the love and hugs and kisses we can give you. You've never been much of a snuggler but, you've never got a shortage of love.

Happy birthday to you sweet girl. Stay wild and free and true to yourself. We love you forever, as much as the stars.

5 & 10

In 4 days, my sweet tiny child will be 5. How did that happen? We've started the process of registering her for kindergarten. I wish time could slow down,just a little. Let me drink in every sweet moment of life that happens between now and kindergarten orientation. I know it won't but, I'd love it. She snuck her way into our room. Daddy is downstairs "fixing" his laptop, Gavin is sound asleep resting for a day full of learning (4th grade is intense!) and she's climbed in bed with me and is watching food network with me. I wish she'd sleep through the night- she's been doing this wake up once or twice a night thing- but, I'd miss the late night cuddles and her millions of questions, she's so curious. I'm sure the cats don't love the late night-must pet kitty- sessions. They've gotten used to ignoring her (secretly, I think they soak up all the pets and kisses she gives them).

Anyway, back to the sweet kid. She's hysterical, she says the funniest things, has the greatest facial expressions and just has the way about her that draws you in like a moth to a flame (only way less dangerous and nothing ends in death). She's started to snuggle more, she'll never pass up a chance for a hug or an "I love you". She has such a big heart for such a small person. She sings at the top of her lungs (especially"Let It Go"), still loves 'ket- it is dirty, gross and well loved by now- loves her veggies and dip, her favorite food is mac and cheese- she's an all American kid- and now, she's a big kid. She's girly enough to love dresses and nail polish but, she'll hold her own in a pile of dirt if you give her a shovel and dump truck. She loves Frozen, purple & pink, picking flowers, side walk chalk, reading stories, baby dolls, barbies, my little ponies, bubbles, helping Mommy & playing outside.She hates bedtime, broccoli, cleaning her room, getting out of the tub and gross bugs. She has a big heart, loves her brother, is sweet with animals, knows what she does and doesn't want, twirls around like a little leaf in a wind storm, reminds me of the ocean in summer, has these perfectly tiny ears, big brown eyes that could melt any heart, wants everything to be fair, smells like a summer rain, loves without limits and takes up every inch of my heart with hers. To know her is to love her.

Teagan Irene, the world is grander & brighter because you exist. I hope you move through life with the curiosity you have now, that you'll bang your drum as loudly as only you can and never doubt for a moment that you are more than enough and that you are loved as much as the stars. I love you forever, sweet girl!

A whole decade!

                           A whole 10 years in the making!!!

How do I recap 10 years of wonderful, wrapped up in the body of a 10 year old? I'm not even sure I could if I tried. All I can say is that it has been an honor, privilege & absolute joy to raise that sweet, sweet child of mine. He's really everything a parent hopes their child will be. He's compassionate, funny, loving, helpful and happy. He's always been that way. I have been completely blessed since the day he was born.  So, here's to you Bubba, may the next decade be everything you hope for!!!

Cold weather, a time change & and a day off...

It's November 4th already. My favorite holiday is in three weeks. I'm getting the familiar must-put-up-Christmas-tree itch. Brace yourselves for holiday madness kids. I'm so, so ready for it. We started a Scooter countdown. 25 days until his arrival. I'm hoping my Grandma is proud of the shenanigan's we created with him. Our other major countdown says 44 days until my family is all back in NY. So very ready for that!!

Anyway, the chill of November has arrived in Upstate NY. We broke out the winter coats, hat & mittens this morning for the trek to the bus stop. I hate waiting for this bus to arrive with my kiddo this time of year. I dread going out for the bus but, the school district will not allow him to walk home alone even though I can see him from our front yard. Bummer. That time will come soon enough & I'm not ready for it. That will mean another 5 years of waiting for a bus to arrive & depart. The small child in my house will start kindergarten and that freaks me out. They grow too quickly.

The time change back an hour is totally messing with all of us this year. Even gaining an hour of sleep, it still feels like we haven't gotten enough. Normally falling back is a glorious event. Not this year. It's throwing off the mini girl horribly. Plus side to that, she's taking naps again and it isn't throwing off her bed time. HOORAY!

Tomorrow is another day off of school. Gav is going to help me with the littles "school". We do projects every day, practice colors, counting, ABC'S, do work sheets and all sorts of fun stuff. He's looking forward to being a "teacher" tomorrow and I'm loving the fact that there will be an extra set of hands. I'll even make an extra project for him to do. It'll be a fun day. Play-doh, baking cookies, board games, movies, hot cocoa. I love days off as much as he does.

I'll post some pictures of our wee shenanigan's. Happy Monday world!

Happy Halloween?!?!

It's October 31st. Already. How did that happen? I feel like we just waltzed our way through the last 10 months. I'd prefer the slow sauntering through the seasons of my childhood. Time marches on and waits for no man (or woman) though.  It's hard to believe that in 60 days we'll be celebrating the year that was and welcoming in 2014.

Here's some of my favorite fall moments with my littles. I love celebrating each holiday with them. It helps me remember how much I loved them as a child. The wonder of a child is truly an amazing thing.

 Trick or Treat Street with Bumble Bee & Strawberry Shortcake

 Autbots & Rainbow Dash (both kids had help)

Pumpkin picking @ Sunnyside gardens

We'll be getting ready to head to Gav's school soon  for the Halloween parade. I'll be accompanied by a sweet unicorn & bringing Captain America as our security detail. There will be pictures! We'll post some more later once the littles have passed out into their inevitable sugar coma.  Good thing this only happens once a year!

It's October already?!?!?

I can't believe we're 8 days away from Halloween. How the crap did that happen? This summer was a blur. A family reunion for the 4th of July, Aunt Ali left for her new home in Virginia, a 9th birthday, Oma & Poppa left for their yr long mission trip in West Virginia ( we survived both sets of departures), Oma & Ali came home in August for a visit, lazy days at the lake, sunshine was soaked up, a trip to Great Escape. We enjoyed every second of bliss that accompanies summer. School started (3rd grade!) and he's been doing AWESOME! I keep getting awesome phone calls from the teacher & principal. He's made huge progress. I know now we made the right choice to change schools. He needed AES. I'm beyond proud of  my little guy!

Oma (& Poppa-best surprise ever) came home the 11th for a visit. This will be their last visit until Christmas. They'll be home in exactly 57 days (not that anybody is counting). Having them leave again was tough, we love when they're home. Gavin is being a storm trooper for Halloween, Teagan has decided (for the 3rd time) to be a unicorn. Pictures will come later. We'll be going pumpkin picking with Nana & Grandpa at our favorite place this weekend & going to trick or treat street at the high school. It'll be a fun but busy weekend. I'm looking forward to it.

Back to the costume changes. Originally, she was going to be a cupcake, she decided she hated it. I let her pick another one knowing we could sell the other one easily. She decided on Strawberry shortcake. Given the flimsy nature of the costume & the weather forecast for the next week, I made the executive to change back to her original desire to be a unicorn. The one we found in September was too small, we found a bigger one for $5 the other day. We're all done switching. I swear. Pictures will be added later!

I promise to keep at this one & to post more often.